I don’t know the history behind how this movie based on a Hasbro board game got made, but I have an idea. I’m pretty sure director Peter Berg must have found himself at a Hollywood party where the alcohol was flowing freely and he stated emphatically that Michael Bay was a hack and anyone could make one of his movies. Battleship, I assume, was his attempt to prove this point.

Even for a movie based on a board game, Battleship is dumb. In fact it’s incredibly, inexcusably, mind-numbingly dumb. And for a film filled with explosions, big budget special effects, and alien attacks, the film is neither all that exciting nor enjoyable.

We begin with a nearly half-hour of “dramatic” set-up in an attempt to showcase background of our main character, typical generic charming slacker-with-potential Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch). We watch as Hopper wins the heart of a girl by breaking into and robbing a convenience store to grab her a burrito. Rather than scare this remarkably attractive, and at least resonably intelligent, woman away, Sam (Brooklyn Decker) decides Alex is boyfriend material. Ain’t love swell?

Kitch’s Hopper is Top Gun‘s Maverick without the charm or any discernable skills. Oh, we’re told (countless) times in the opening half-hour that the man has wasted potential but we see no examples of this (at all) until most of his colleagues are dead at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean almost a full hour into the film. And since Brooklyn Decker thinks he’s a catch that must be enough, right?

Of course Hopper’s latest romantic screw-up has the opposite effect on his brother, Commander Stone Harper (Alexander Skarsgård) who signs him up for the Navy against his will, where coincidentally Alex goes to work for his new girlfriend’s father, Admiral Shane (Liam Neeson). If this sounds to like the stuff bad romcoms are made out of, that’s because it is.

Brooklyn Decker rethinks her latest career choice

Meanwhile NASA has discovered a habitable planet similar to Earth and has sent a radio signal into deep space in hopes of finding life in space. Fast-forward a few years, Hopper is still an Naval officer (but still perpetually one bad move away from a dishonorable discharge) and while the Hawaii fleet is off on joint maneuvers with Japanese war ships the aliens track the signal back to Earth, crash-land in the ocean, and make their way to the satellite relay in Hawaii to call for reinforcements.

With the rest of the fleet cut off my a force field, the Hopper brothers have only three ships (which quickly dwindles down to one) to fight off an enemy they can’t find on radar. When the two other ships are taken out by the enemy, Alex Hopper finds himself in command and his Destroyer the only thing to stop a full alien invasion of Earth.

Every frame of this film screams Michael Bay’s name. From the paper-thin cliched characters to the hamfisted patriotism, giant hulking metal monsters, actresses whose man job appears to be to look startled while the camera tries to lovingly frame their curves in each shot, to the slow motion cutaways set to rousing music. Sadly, even Michael Bay only manages to create a handful of good Michael Bay films, and it turns out Berg isn’t that much better playing with Bay’s themes.

Wait, the script says what?

And much like a Michael Bay film, the film makes absolutely no internal sense. In the most egregious example, the script informs us early on that the alien ships are made of a mysterious compound that is not metal. Yet in every subsequent shot we see big metal ships transforming and clanking their way around the ocean.

The aliens are basic movie monsters with no defining characteristics. They simply need to be destroyed. And although their weaponry is impressive it’s also quite oddly suited to a planet for an invasion of a planet that’s mostly water. You’d think an advanced race might take something like that into account. It’s the combination of the advanced technology of the enemy as well as the Navy’s inability to find the giant hopping metal frog-like ships (which is the best way I can find to describe them) on radar that leads to the film’s best (if still insanely stupid) sequence.

Using buoys Hopper’s ship starts to track the alien vessels by wave displacement and begins anticipating their movement and firing where he believes the ships are located on the grid. That’s right, the film’s best sequence is when the entire enterprise is boiled down to the characters actually playing Battleship (even calling out grids before getting a hit or a miss) with millions of dollars of Naval equipment.

Son, your ego is writing checks your body can't cash

The supporting cast includes Tadanobu Asano as Kitch’s rival who eventually will become his ally (let’s call him Iceman), Skarsgård as the main character’s more down-to-earth best bud (let’s call him Goose), Neeson as the head of the operation who respects Hopper’s talent but can’t stand his antics (let’s call him Viper), and Decker as the love sex-bomb love interest whose given her own plotline for no apparent reason (let’s call her whatever the hell Megan Fox‘s character’s name was in those truly awful Transformers films).

John Tui, Jesse Plemons, Gregory D. Gadson, Jerry Ferrara, Rico McClinton, Adam Godley and Rihanna round out the cast as characters aboard the ships or who find themselves on land fighting the aliens alongside a supermodel. Surprisingly, or maybe not given the level of writing, it’s the recording star who has the film’s only real break-out performance as the spunky weapons officer aboard Hopper’s ship. She’s also the only one involved in the entire project that appears to be having any fun on-screen.

Battleship just goes to prove if aliens do decide to attack the US Navy we should be sure to have a supermodel, an R&B star, and a total fuck-up on hand to fight back. If you like Michael Bay’s brand of loud but empty summer action flicks you’ll probably have more fun than those involved in making the film. But in a summer where you can see a film like The Avengers which gives you characters to go along with the big-budget effects there’s really no reason to sit through this one just to find out who sunk your Battleship.

CBS has released a teaser for Elementary, the new modern day American take on Sherlock Holmes starring Jonny Lee Miller as the great detective and Lucy Liu as Joan Watson. I have serious doubts as to whether or not the CBS series will be able to reach the bar set by BBC’s Sherlock (and this short behind-the-scenes look doesn’t instill me with confidence), but as a Holmes’ fan I’m willing to give it a shot. Elementary is set to premiere on September 20, 2012.

New Directions makes it to Chicago for nationals but immediately faces trouble when Mercedes (Amber Riley) goes down with a 24-hour bug. While Sue (Jane Lynch) tries everything to speed her recovery she also drafts Tina (Jenna Ushkowitz) and Quinn (Dianna Agron) into the Troubletones’ number in case her diva isn’t able to perform. Will (Cory Monteith) starts to fear that destiny might be against them again and maybe he hasn’t done enough to prepare the team to win, but is touched to learn the team wants to dedicate their win to him.

New Directions is the first Glee Club to take the stage. The Troubletones open with Lady Gaga‘s ”The Edge of Glory,” followed by Rachel’s solo of Celine Dion‘s ”It’s All Coming Back to Me Now,” and finishing (to a thunderous standing ovation) with Finn and Rachel leading the group performance of Meat Loaf‘s ”Paradise by the Dashboard Light.”

Vocal Adrenaline takes the stage second led by Unique (Alex Newell) who needs a pep talk by Kurt (Chris Colfer) and Mercedes to take the stage. The New Directions’ rivals open with Nicki Minaj‘s “Starships” followed by The Who‘s ”Pinball Wizard.” The only other nationals number we’re shown is the third place Portland Scale Blazers’ performance of ”Starlight Express.”

Once again we get behind-the-scenes footage of the deliberation of this year’s celebrity judges who include show choir junkie Alderman Martin Fong (Rex Lee) along with Lindsey Lohan and Perez Hilton each playing themselves. The judging goes a little more favorably for McKinley High’s Glee Club this time around as the show allows the graduating class go out with a bang.

The group returns home to an unexpected amount of cheer from their classmates (in a triumphant montage set to the New Directions’ performance of Grouplove‘s “Tonguetied,”) and just in time too celebrate and perform Queen‘s ”We Are the Champions“ at the school’s ceremony to award Will the school’s teacher of the year award. Rachel even gets Carmen Tibideaux (Whoopi Goldberg) to show up and cheer her performance as well as Jesse St. James (Jonathan Groff) putting in a kind word on her behalf.

Although a little too sugary-sweet as everyone gets exactly what they want, the episode delivers some very strong performances and gives the Glee Club their moment in the sun after teasing audiences for the previous two years. Next week means the season finale, graduation, and goodbye for the seniors (except not so much as we know almost all of them will return in some capacity next season).

Damian gets his first solo mission of the New 52 in this “Night of the Owls” tie-in issue as he’s sent to protect Major General Benjamin Burrows from a being the latest victim of the Court of Owls.

Although it’s not a bad issue, Damian taking control of a small squad of soldiers to save their wounded leader, for Damian’s first big adventure on his own it’s far from memorable. The dialogue of Damian convincing the soliders to take his orders, and eventually lead them is pretty damn awkward. I’m also not totally sold on the art by Lee Garbett which in some panels feels a little too goofy for so serious a storyline.

If you’re only picking this up as a “Night of Owls” tie-in you could probably give it a pass. If, however, you’re a fan of Damian (even the New 52 version) there’s enough here to keep your interest, at least for awhile. For fans.

[DC, 2.99]

Deadline is reporting Maggie Grace will have a recurring role in the next season of Showtime’s Californication

Entertainment Weekly breaks down the new Fall TV schedule including returning shows, new shows, and shows moving to new nights and times

The Wrap is reporting that TNT is looking into a reality-TV series starring Matthew McConaughey in the search for America’s best bar band

With graduation and nationals quickly approaching for the New Directions, Sue (Jane Lynch) develops an obsession with props and arranges a complicated dance number while trying to convince Kurt (Chris Colfer) to perform in drag at nationals to combat Vocal Adrenaline’s new star (Alex Newell).

Shortly after unexpectedly exploding in front of the entire Glee Club for her limited role in the group, Tina (Jenna Ushkowitz) bumps her head at the mall causing her to hallucinate herself as Rachel (Lea Michele) as well as randomly recast the rest of the club in random roles. Her limited time in Rachel’s shoes gives her a little perspective into how much nationals means to her and prompts her to help Rachel attempt to get Carmen Tibideaux (Whoopi Goldberg) to give her a second audition by watching the Glee Club perform at nationals.

Mercedes (Amber Riley), Santana (Naya Rivera), and Brittany (Heather Morris) confront Coach Beiste (Dot Jones) after learning she lied to them about leaving her husband after he hit her, but despite their best efforts and intentions they are unable to convince her to leave her abusive husband. However, it’s Puck (Mark Salling), who hits a new low when he loses a fight to Rick “The Stick” (Rock Anthony) and is further embarrassed in front of the whole school, that finally reaches her which leads the pair to perform a duet of Taylor Swift‘s ”Mean.”

Other songs from this episode include Rachel singing Jason Mraz‘s ”I Won’t Give Up,” Tina performs Celine Dion‘s ”Because You Loved Me,” and in the finale Rachel and Tina perform a duet of Irene Cara‘s ”Flashdance… What a Feeling.” Overall a good episode that gives Tina a rare chance to shine, and her dream sequence was an awful lot of fun, as well as wraps up a couple lingering stories before nationals.

In the Second Season finale Five-0 finds itself under attack as someone is systematically targeting the team members. A hired gun (Taylor Cole), a woman who was supposedly killed more than five years ago in a bank  robbery gone wrong, starts by killing Captain Fryer (Tom Sizemore), putting a bullet in Max (Masi Oka) at the crime scene, and blowing up police headquarters injuring Chin (Daniel Dae Kim) and more then two dozen other officers.

Now that Wo Fat (Mark Dacascos) has been captured Joe White (Terry O’Quinn) returns and agrees to introduce McGarrett (Alex O’Loughlin) to Shellburne, and Danny (Scott Caan) must decide how far he will go to stop his ex-wife (Claire van der Boom) from taking Grace (Teilor Grubbs) of the island to live in Las Vegas with her new husband. But before either can make a decision they have a cop killer to catch.

Running out of leads the team pays a visit to Fryer’s old partner, Frank Delano (William Baldwin) and tracks the wounded shooter to a veterinary clinic where she fled after to after being shot. Although McGarret is able to take down the shooter, Chin is forced to let the man behind the attacks out of prison and given a choice to save either his wife (Reiko Aylesworth) or Kono (Grace Park) before both are killed.

The season finale gives us not one but two cliffhangers as Kono slowly drowns and Chin’s wife bleeds out in his arms, McGarrett comes face-to-face with the mysterious Shellburne who is anything but what he expected. The Delano twist is too easy to see coming, and the capture of Chin’s women and the double death traps feels far too rushed, but the show certainly finds a way to give everyone their own moments in the finale and leaves several threads hanging for next season.

Just when they are needed most to make sure Christopher Pelant’s (Andrew Leeds) appeal doesn’t overturn his original conviction, Booth (David Boreanaz) is given a new murder case involving the discovery of a body in the National Hamilton Wildlife Refuge where all the evidence points to Bones (Emily Deschanel).

Not only did Bones know the victim, a brilliant mathematician and trouble schizophrenic, but security camera footage puts her in the facility where he was kept the night before he died, and the man had threatened Booth and Bones’ newborn child only days before his death. Although they have no evidence to prove it, Booth and Bones are sure Pelant is behind the attempt to frame Bones for the murder.

When Pelant plays Booth one more time, making him think Brennan is in danger, the FBI Agent reacts forcefully which gets both he and Bones removed from the case. Following the evidence Special Agent Flynn (Reed Diamond) follows the evidence and centers his investigation on Bones especially after Cam (Tamara Taylor) finds DNA evidence linking the victim to Bones’ car.

As the Seventh Season draws to a close Brennan listens to her father (Ryan O’Neal) and not her husband as she disappears with baby Christine before she’s arrested for murder. To bring his family home and keep his wife out of jail Booth will have to find a way to prove Pelant is responsible when the show returns next season.

Dum Dum Dugan and Diamondback discover that someone out there, posing as the new Scourge, is killing former terrorists and minor super-villains who are now protected witnesses for S.H.I.E.L.D. Okay, it turns out they aren’t that well protected.

A little digging into the leak leads to the discovery of an even bigger problem when Captain America finds a HYDRA infiltrator in to the echelons of S.H.I.E.L.D. Meanwhile the group tries to narrow down the list of potential targets the new Scourge may hit next which leads to a confrontation between the assassin and Diamondback and the murder of another witness.

I like the inclusion of Dugan and Dimondback here, the later (given she’s a former super-villain) will have a real stake in the case. Scourge, in one for or another, has been around forever in the Marvel Universe to help trim the fat. I’m intrested to see how writer Ed Brubaker uses the character in this new arc. Worth a look.

[Marvel, $3.99]

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The Playlist shares the first poster and pics released for Nicolas Cage‘s new thriller Stolen