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Spelunkers beware there are mutants down in those caves. Nothing to be frightened of here, The Cave fails to scare or even intrigue it’s viewers, the monsters are amateur looking and the acting is even worse. Dialogue becomes halfway comical at best and the sound and set design is pitiful; this film is one big stinker.

The Cave
Negative Stars

The Cave is a film that sends audiences into unchartered territory for no apparent reason; there isn’t any treasure to be found at the bottom of this well. Characters are not fully realized, so nobody cares when they are killed off one by one and the storyline itself is so dry that not even the constant dripping and running water throughout the film can give it life. This film has mold growing all over it.

A top notch group of thrill seeking divers go on an adventure beneath the Romania’s Carpathian mountain range, only to find no way out and creepy monstrous parasites that can do it all. The monsters can fly, swim, scale walls and kill; oddly enough they don’t kill to feed, they just kill people and infect some (warming up for part 2).

Leading the team is Jack (Cole Hauser) and his brother Tyler (Eddie Cibrian), the two argue over young Tyler’s abilities to be a proper leader and quit showboating. The rest of the team is comprised of a hodge podge mix of x-military, Romanian scientists and a couple of hotties who look good in a wet suit, the team doesn’t really matter considering only a couple make it out alive and there isn’t much back story or group chemistry.

As the crew reaches their target, there is a cave in and they must find another way out. Right out of the gates, one of the crew bights it and then another and another as they work their way through tunnels and waterfalls to get out. Jack gets attacked, but not killed; no much worse happens, he starts to mutate and turn into one of the creatures. Tyler becomes very concerned for his brother and his ability to get what little is left of the crew out alive. But Jack saves the day and rescues his little brother and biologist Dr. Kathryn Jennings (Lena Headey), before jumping into a blaze of fire with one of the creatures.

Of course the whole thing ends with no purpose, but to let us know there is a possibility of a straight to DVD part 2 in the future.

Don’t even waste your time; unless you have it in for really bad horror/sci-fi films, The Cave is hollow and slimy. There is never a good shot of the creatures or any long scary moments that builds us up to a jump and the commentary at times is funny, but not meant to be. The Cave isn’t even good enough to be rated as campy; the film just sets there. Go blow your money on something else, like Barney or Teletubbies, now there is a good scare.

Family Guy was cancelled, but during the three year hiatus series creator Seth MacFarlane kept the dream alive by proposing a Family Guy feature.  Eventually Fox agreed and as the feature was being put into pre-production Fox also decided to pick the show back up for a third season.  They now wanted the feature to be able to be broken down into separate segments so later they could also air them as individual episodes.  The result is Family Guy Presents: Stewie Griffin – The Untold Story.  As you might expect the change in the scope effected the finished product.  So how does it work?  The DVD is basically three new episodes of the show that contain a common thread put together with an added prologue and epilogue.  That’s not much for a pricey $29.99 (list price though you can probably find it for about half that); still for fans of the show I think there’s enough here to enjoy despite the steep price.

Family Guy Presents: Stewie Griffin – The Untold Story
3 Stars

Aaron and I have this ongoing debate about Family Guy.  He feels the show’s over-reliance on pop-culture references is a crutch while I argue it allows for 90% of the show’s best moments.  Taking a page from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the show takes movie, television, current events, and makes references or in Family Guy‘s case some extremely funny parodies.  Yeah, maybe each show’s actual plot isn’t as good as individual moments but there is always something to enjoy.

The film starts out with the event of the Family Guy movie premiere.  Everyone shows up in style on the red carpet including a very intoxicated Lois (voice by Alex Borstein), the mostly ignored Meg (voice by Mila Kunis) and the celeb of the night Stewie (voice by Seth MacFarlane).  After opening credits the movie starts. 

The first episode involves Stewie’s change of heart from his a short stint in hell (see how long it takes you to recognize the song) after an unsuccessful attempt to blow up another child.  The second episode involves Stewie and Brian (voice also by Seth MacFarlane) traveling cross country to find a man Stewie believes might be his real father but who turns out to be Stewie from the future.  The last episode involves Stewie’s horror at his future self and his attempts to stop the events that might lead him down a similar path.

The story arc itself is a little odd due to the demands of Fox in insisting it be able to be broken down into separate segments.  Of the three I found the first two much better written than the third which includes long exposition scenes and a rather unsatisfying conclusion.

Of course fans of the show have come to expect some great pop-culture parodies and riffs and the DVD includes quite a few including at least three Star Wars moments, some Thundercats and Beverly Hills 90210 which both include voices from the real actors, a riff on the car chase in Bullit, a brutally funny Bugs Bunny cartoon, and a rather humorous view of the magic of Jesus.

Not a great collection (less than 90 minutes for $30?) but a good one that includes some classic Family Guy moments and the commentary is quite good.  Fans of the show will no doubt want to add this to their collection but for the casual fan or someone interested in getting into the show I’d suggest checking out one of the season sets on DVD where you’ll get more bang for you buck.