I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly; but if you think you can handle the shit that flowed this year in movies, pinch your nose, say your prayers and click below.

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2007 was a terrible year.  There were political assassinations, threats of an unnecessary war and, to top it all off, the following five movies.  While lawmakers decided to take the year off from taking global warming seriously, the studio heads were hard at work every day trying to find the next crappy film to flood theaters with – and in that respect, they were unbelievably successful.  Join me, won’t you, and let us celebrate just a few more reasons why life sucks.

But before we get started, because I’m an equal opportunity complainer, I’d like to mention some other crappolas that just missed the cut.  Can you imagine the bliss that would be life without the made-for-kids, and seemingly by-kids summer movie Daddy Day Camp?  What about Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, a franchise that for whatever reason, just decided to stop being even slightly cool?  And who could forget Aliens vs Predator – Requiem, a movie so dumb, it’s an insult to the intelligence of its audience?

5 – Shrek the Third: Hey, do you remember that movie Shrek that came out six years ago?  Remember how it was funny?  Just hold onto that memory and don’t let go, because if you try to relive the fun of that movie with its second sequel, your body might trigger blindness in your eyes to defend itself from this offensively dull family picture.  It’s like they don’t even try with these movies anymore, like the producers just gave a couple second-rate Sitcom writers a bag of skittles to pen thing, because they knew their wallets would get green stains no matter how much the movie sucked dolphin dick.  And boy, were they right.

4 – Blood and Chocolate: I named Underworld: Evolution the third worst movie of 2006, so it shouldn’t be much of surprise to find out that Blood and Chocolate, little more than cheap knock-off of that franchise, is just as stinky.  Actually, I’ll throw a couple more points towards this newer film for not being 70% crappy action scenes like that older one, but the void of action in Blood and Chocolate only means that we get a lot more bland dialogue, acting and other features of the film that make a root canal sound surprisingly relaxing in comparison.

3 – Perfect Stranger: I don’t have a problem with feminism, but what I do have a problem with is when a shallow girl-power message replaces the plot, logic and just about anything else a narrative requires in a movie.  Therefore, I have a problem with the Halle Berry movie Perfect Stranger, a supposed thriller that makes nice with every cliché in the genre and thinks of itself as a gritty, serous and dangerous film.  I already pretty much beat this picture to death in my review from April, so I’ll just let that do the talking here.

2 – I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry: Few traits are more annoying or immoral in a person than hypocrisy, and why should it be any less aggravating when that trait is in a movie?  I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry is supposed to be a comedy that bashes gay-bashers and promotes tolerance.  But instead of fixing the problems of homophobia, the movie only advances it.  For every time Adam Sandler or Kevin James scream at a homophobe, there’s another scene full of gay stereotypes that must have been written by people without any idea that – get this – being gay doesn’t mean you have a lisp and make bad pop culture references.  The closest the writers have gotten to a gay person must have been a few episodes of Will & Grace.  To give you an idea of how bad it gets, there are two characters who literally have no other purpose in the movie other than to act hilariously gay.  Yeah.  I’m convinced that someday, people will look back on this supposedly tolerant film with the same attitude that we have for Gone With the Wind today.

1 – D-War (Dragon Wars):  Before I begin to trash this action movie, let me say that I seriously considered putting this movie on my best of the year list because, if nothing else, it was certainly the best movie-going experience of my life.  I walked into the theater actually expecting something cool – I knew it wasn’t going to be anything as awesome as The Host, but I figured that they import bring a South Korean movie unless had some cool actions scenes.

I’m going to go ahead and mark that moment as the most wrong I will ever, ever be; because only my love for mind-blowingly stupid cinema kept me from quitting school and moving to D.C. and lobbying for a war on the Asian nation seventy hours a week.  I had a hard time figuring out what the story was, what with the laughter that almost constantly filled the theater; but here’s what I think it’s about – there are these dragons that come to Earth every few centuries.  And this time, one of them is really pissed off.  And uh, he needs to eat this girl so he can become a Super Sayin dragon, or some shit like that.  Conceived and written like a bad short story a fifth grader would write for English class, the dialogue and plot are a veritable encyclopedia of movie clichés and general stupidity.  The plot holes are so massive, they’re the equivalent of cinematic black holes.  I think that someday, when I retire and have more time than I know what to do with, I’m going to take on the enormous task of naming everything that’s wrong with this film; but with what time I have today, I’ll just say that I doubt I’ll ever see this crappy of a film in theaters.

After watching 2007’s film carnage, I’m feeling slightly dead inside. This category shouldn’t be too hard considering year after year movies go down in quality and content. I guess, like with everything else, as long as you have a license then you can do anything you damn well please.

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I’m listing mine a little different, I think there are categories to suckage and the go as follows: 1. Given – those that anyone would be stupid to pay to see. 2. Shut Your Mouth – those that critics love and I couldn’t stand. 3. Seriously – this made it to a theater?. I think those categories will help break up the total carnage of 2007 crappiest films.

Here are the top 5 “GIVEN” crap films of the year.

1. Norbit: Do I really need to say anything about this? Come on Eddie, dressing up as a fat person and playing more than one character in your movie; I got an idea, why don’t you be a talking animal or be able to talk to animals too. Where is Beverly Hills Cop when you need him?

2. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry: “I Now Pronounce You A Load of Crap”, there that’s a better title, for sure. Chuck and Larry is a film that completely contradicts itself, one minute they are making fun of homosexuals and the next they are standing up for them. Which is it? Either it’s okay or it’s not, but you can’t be both? The creators certainly took a far end of the counter approach between the extremists and, well, the extremist and no single race, body type or preference was left out of the parade of one liners. (read the full review)

3. Rush Hour 3: Have you seen Rush Hour 1 and 2? Then you’ve seen Rush Hour 3; just add a little more stupid to it and there you have it. Give us a break Hollywood, I would love to see a real comedy for once this summer instead of regurgitated crap that some group of writers desperately try to out do themselves each time. I can imagine the round table of editors and writers hashing this thing out, one says “last time we had him jump down a flag from 50 stories up, this time let’s have both of them fly a flag off the Eiffel Tower”, and everybody chimes in with cheers and kudos. Another writer has a brilliant idea, “how about a bad guy who keeps showing up at the most inopportune moments and knows all the ins and outs of the villain’s master plan, but nobody would ever guess he was the bad guy until it’s revealed near the very end”, once again the crowd goes wild and everybody gives a round of applause and pats the dork on the back. It’s true, I did laugh throughout most of Rush Hour 3, but it wasn’t because it was all funny stuff, but because there was some outrageous and plain silly crap included. I couldn’t believe my evening was spent with a film that should have went straight to the shelves, in a packed theater watching what has to be the lowest point in Jackie Chan’s and Chris Tucker’s career. (read the full review)

4. License to Wed: A comedy shouldn’t feel like such a drain on one’s emotions teetering on a really bad marriage and a slow trip through Dante’s 7 Levels of Hell. Williams doing his best with what little provided in such a bland and simply redundant script, and Mandy Moore with her counterpart, John Krasinski, playing the typical guy meets girl, guy screws up, girl forgives guy roles, yayayayaya.. I felt a bit psychic…I just knew what was coming up next. The forced feeling of a very minimal amount of stand-upish comedy mixed with an everyday, seen it before, romantic comedy, License to Wed is more like license to head straight for the dollar shelf at your local video store. You guessed it; the film was just that good. (read the full review)

5. Epic Movie: An epic piece of crap.

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Here are the top 5 “SHUT YOUR MOUTH” crap films of the year.

1. Atonement:  I had to watch this film; I believe I atoned enough. I wasn’t all that impressed; I know that many top-notch critics are raving about Atonement, but I can’t jump on board with them. A Merchant Ivory, epic, war, and a romance that stands the test of time all confused with a little girls mind and an old woman’s pen in Atonement’s script. I felt confused most of the time, in and out from present, future, past, his and her time, the film honestly jumped all over the board trying to tell a story of a little girl with a big crush and a jealous mind. A young girl molested and a perp caught, but a lie was told and the young man in love was sent to war. Later on we find that the perp and the little girl get married and nothing can be done about the lie and the disgrace to the young couple in love. One dies in the war and the other dies by the war, never to meet again and be together as the little girl grows old and sad to never be able to correct what she had wronged. Basically that sums up the whole thing. (read the full review)

2. Eastern Promises: I was expecting a great deal more out of David Croneberg, but he came up short. Viggo played a hell of a Russian thug, but Naomi Watts didn’t pull out much character at all. Eastern Promises left me a little bored; given the fight scene in the bath house was a little intense and Viggo’s got a hell of an ass, but overall I wanted more all around. Craving history and personal connections amongst the characters, give me a little more feeling and depth, more action and intensity. Viggo deserves credits, but the rest didn’t make the cut.

3. The Savages: There is a good chance that I have become desensitized with film, with sad depressing reality, maybe I need a little more fantasy in my movies. A brother and sister are stuck with their hateful father after his girlfriend dies. He has a touch of dementia and needs constant care. The two fight with where he must go and finally put him in a sad cold brick nursing home next to the brother. Sis is a perpetual liar and the brother is a perpetual depressive and somewhat hypochondriac, the two of them together make for quite a toxic scene. Laura Linney ho-hummed her way through the sister character; she has such a history and talent to her and what she can accomplish with her characters, but in The Savages she didn’t fully commit. Hoffman, on the other hand, played the depressive brother did a wonderful and perfect job, almost have to wonder if he is dysfunctional in real life as he is in all his characters? The Savages barely skimmed by with a full razor from me.

4. Margot at the Wedding: Margot at the Wedding is one of those films that make me wish I wasn’t a film critic. I feel obligated to watch said film, but completely bored out of my mind and furious that I felt I needed to set through such torture. Unlikable characters, odd situations and ultimately terrible commentary makes this movie a big bomb, a big bomb I had wished someone would have landed at the end of the film. I think that the film would have greatly benefited from a mass murder from the crazy neighbors or maybe some freak accident of nature. Simply put, I couldn’t wrap my mind around any one thing in this film.  (read the full review)

5. Knocked Up: I’ve heard of ladies having a bit of a crush on this “Mac Daddy”, Seth Rogan, but honestly I don’t see the charm. Sure he was funny in 40 Year Old Virgin, but I felt a bit of struggle with his lines in Knocked Up. Don’t get me wrong, Knocked Up is not without it’s charms, there are certainly plenty of jokes to be had and uncomfortable moments, but the geek squad went over the top at times. The jest of the film is hot girl gets really drunk, sleeps with pudgy not so hot slacker dude and oops, there goes the condom. Now the two must face parenthood and decide if it should be together or separate. At least the film does show a moral code; take responsibility for your actions, if you’re old enough to do “it” then your old enough to pay the fees. *stepping down from soap box*  (read the full review)

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Here are the top 5 “SERIOUSLY” crap films of the year.

1. Love in the Time of Cholera: I can officially say that I have never made it through one of Javier Bardem’s films. It’s not that I have never tried, The Dancer Upstairs, Collateral, The Sea Inside and Before Night Falls, I’ve tried them all and now I can add Love in the time of Cholera to that list. No, I didn’t break the golden rule as a critic and walk out of the theater. The film actually broke, the thing is it made the film all that more interesting to see the characters upside down and moving backwards, yet the film was still moving forwards, sad to say they couldn’t fix it so I didn’t see the ending. O-well, must have been meant to be, it’s a dreadful thing. I sat and yawn and wiggled in my chair the whole time. Trying to see John Leguizamo as a serious character and no less the same age as his daughter? Get real! Then there is Benjamin Bratt, don’t like that guy at all his acting is like watching paste dry. The one perk to the film was Liev Schreiber, you didn’t get to see much of him, but I sure perked up every time he entered the screen. I don’t recommend Love in the Time of Cholera unless you can’t go to sleep at night and are completely out of sleeping pills. On the other hand, there were plenty of perfect boobies everywhere, so guys might enjoy that part. Could you have imagined the casting call, that’s a lot of breasts to look at to get so many perfect perky ones. (read the full review)

2. Rocket Science: Who would have thought? After I watched the trailer and headed to my little seat in the grand theater, I expected to have my funny bone tickled all night long, instead all I got was life. Think about the story, here is a boy (young adult) who has a stuttering problem. He’s hit on by the chief hottie from the school’s debate team and ultimately recruited to be her debate partner. Of course, he’s not looking to debate more than he is looking for love, the young experimental puppy love, that is. His brother is whacked, his mom is whacked, his neighbor is whacked, his dad is bored and his only friend tried the Kama Sutra on the family dog and killed it; this film should be an outright riot. Life and the shit that happens along the way is funny, but somehow Rocket Science made it depressing and, at times, a little boring. A few highlights that I must note would be a killer soundtrack and at least Hollywood didn’t get the opportunity to bastardize it; you got it folks, there is no special happy ending here. (read the full review)

3. I Am Legend: I Am Legend is based on the 1954 book written by Richard Matheson. This is the 3rd attempt at making a movie out of his novel, the first was The Last Man On Earth starring Vincent Price and the second is a classic amongst films, The Omega Man starring Charlton Hesston. I vaguely remember seeing both of those films, but don’t think that the new version, I Am Legend, uses too many similarities besides the main theme. I believe the book takes place in LA and the film is set up in New York and in both of the earlier versions the infected had a bit more reasoning left in them. In this film, the infected look like poorly computer generated monster that could have easily came out of any PS2 game and for some reason they have super human powers. With films like 28 Days Later, 30 Days of Night and Land of the Dead, why couldn’t such a big budget film accomplish a more realistic looking zombie/vampire like monster?  (read the full review)

4. 30 Days of Night: Before I get into some long dissertation or rant about how absolutely bloody awful this film was, can I just say that Ben Foster can really pull out the freak. How could a guy who looks absolutely hot and seems so sweet in one film, turn around and play one of the most creepiest and smelly roles ever, acting chops anyone? You could smell the funk from the movie theater seat; I could only imagine how rank he must have been if it was a real character, so kudos to the make-up and costume engineers cause I was pretty damn convinced. (read the full review)

5. Zodiac: Mark, Jake, Robbie baby, what happened? I know that ole’ Rottentomatoes.com gives Zodiac the thumbs up, but I found it dreadfully dull, too long and so boring. Really, David, your adaptation of Fight Club and Se7en is so much better. San Fran during the 1960’s/70’s finds a notorious killer who, at first, looks to choose random victims, but begins to send out signs to the newspaper given clues to his intentions. I will say the stab scene with the couple near the shore really freaked me out, but besides that I was yawning throughout the rest. Zodiac didn’t have the same snap or speed as Fight Club and Se7en. I only give it half a razor.