The Pacifier

“It’s not a tumor” has been replaced with “they’re not boobies”.

The Pacifier(2005): 1.5 Stars

Vin Diesel can be seen in many films and usually he’s very stoic, but in The Pacifier he’s the babysitter. The Pacifier is completely brainless fun for the family. Very similar to Kindergarten Cop, The Pacifier holds bar to Arnold and the senseless humor. Vin plays the stud who can kick butt, swim like a shark, and live off the land with some army rations, but can’t change a diaper. He truly did not have to do any acting, all he had to do is stand there and let the kids react to him. The site says that The Pacifier is “James Bond Meets Mary Poppins”, more like James Bond becomes Mr. Mom. Every worse case G-rated scenario that could happen does, baby vomit, baby poo, teenage girl problems, teenage boy problems, and the little girl with all the questions. Very surprising that the creators left out any drug, alcohol and sex related issues, but that may have turned the film into PG-13.

A Navy Seal, Shane Wolfe (Vin Diesel) finds himself as the babysitter for a family whose father had been assassinated for some secret gadget he had created. Wolfe was prepared to take on any duty he must to set this mishap straight. Finding watching over and taking care of 5 children at one time can be a little more daunting than the most riskiest military covert operation, Wolfe steps up to the occasion and takes on the protection of these children. Keeping house and fighting bad guys can be a little difficult, but the kids finally come to grips with the situation and start to warm up to their new found tough guy Mary Poppins and help out. Each child with their own personality, teen rebel Zoe (Brittany Snow), quiet and secretive 14 year-old Seth (Max Thieriot), 8 year-old inquisitive Lulu (Morgan York) and side notes 3-year old Peter and baby Tyler and with a little assistance from their wacky Romanian Nanny (Carol Kane), sadly Carol did not stay on long enough to keep the entertainment flowing smoothly, the family pulls together and gets the happy ending accomplished. Keeping a family together between evil ninjas, changing diapers, mad crazy wrestling assistant principles and drivers ed, Shane Wolfe pulled off one great feet and Vin Diesel playing his part was quite successful, both looked like a Seal out of water.

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Diary of a Mad Black Woman

She’s Mad She’s Black and She Kept a Diary

Diary of a Mad Black Woman (2005): 2 Stars

[B]Released on DVD June 28[/B]

Tyler Perry’s, Diary of a Mad Black Woman started from a small play origins and has grown to the big screen. The film hits on and tries to lighten some fairly serious subject matter, spousal abuse and low self-esteem. Perry pulls off multiple characters without flaw; his truly most inspiring part is Madea (short for mother dear), a gun totting, blunt speaking woman of faith who is the matriarch to the family. Overall, the rest of the cast is dull and portrayed a very unrealistic reaction to their character circumstances.

Helen (Kimberly Elise) is a woman who has become accustomed to a very wealthy way of life, but accepts her position as her husband’s, Charles (Steve Harris), second choice and mental and physical beating post. Along the way, Helen keeps a diary, a constant running dialogue about what is happening in her failing marriage and what she wishes would come about to correct it. She arrives home one night, after an awards ceremony for her husband, to find all her stuff loaded in a moving truck and her husband and his new fling taking residence in their home. Charles physically kicks Helen out after not taking the hint and tells her he wants a divorce. Helen has no where to go and no one to count on, but Madea. She shows up at Madea’s front door step trying to play it all off as if nothing has happened, but Madea, being the intelligent quick experienced woman she is figures it out. The next morning chain saw in one hand and handgun in the the other, Madea shows up at the mansion with Helen to split their belongings the proper way.

Helen spends a great deal of the time whining and crying about poor pitiful me and wanting her husband to take her back. Along the way she gets the attention of a hard working, soft spoken man who has the faith of hundreds and only the sweat on his brow to support him, Orlando (Shemar Moore). So wrapped up in her own problems and self-pitying prognosis, Helen doesn’t even take notice, but long enough to start arguments and nasty little fights with Orlando. He tries with all his might to be patient and woo her, trying to build her self-esteem back up and give her a little faith of her own.

Charles double crossed one of his rotten clients and got himself shot and in a wheelchair with no use of his limbs or voice. Helen finds this to be the opportune moment to get even with all Charles has done to her. It took too long for Helen to get mad and even, and what she does is bordering on the lines of pure torture. It gets so bad, she doesn’t feed or bath him and spends all her time verbally abusing him. The audience starts to feel pity for this poor soul and that shouldn’t be the affect that the film was looking for. He deserves to be shot with the way he treated her, but maybe being shot was enough. Helen hits a point where she realizes that she is no longer in love with Charles and has accomplished what she wanted. In An Officer and Gentleman moment, Helen runs out on the factory floor begging for Orlando’s forgiveness and hand in marriage.

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Moonlighting – Seasons 1 & 2

The style and writing of this wonderful show seamlessly blend the screwball comedy and detective movies of the 40’s and 50’s while creating a show that would break all the rules of network television and create something truly unique.

Moonlighting
4 & 1/2 Stars

Memory is a fickle thing.  Going back and watching television shows I enjoyed during my youth can run the gamut of disaster (Knight Rider, Dukes of Hazard) to a renewed appreciation (M.A.S.H.).  So with more than a little pessimism I sat down to spend some time with the first and second seasons of Moonlighting.  I remember enjoying the show as a kid, but a funny thing happened as I started watching.  Not only did I rediscover what I liked as a kid, but I found a new appreciation for the style and writing of this wonderful show that seamlessly blends the screwball comedy and detective movies of the 40’s and 50’s while creating a show that would break all the rules of network television and create something truly unique .  In the words of Agnes DiPesto it’s simply “Great, Great!”

Retired Blue Moon Shampoo model Maddie Hayes (Cybil Shepherd) wakes up one day to find out that her accountant has stolen all her money and fled the country.  With no real options she begins to try and sell off her few business interests which were all bought for tax write-off purposes.  One of these happens to be a small detective agency headed by David Addison (Bruce Willis) with the help of secretary Agnes DiPesto (Allyce Beasley) who always answers the phone in rhyme and a host of faceless assistants who do little more than sit and there desks waiting for David to call for the next limbo contest.  When a man is murdered and the mystery drops right into Maddie’s lap (literally) the show takes off.  David eventually talks Maddie into keeping the agency, solve the mystery, and they become partners trying to make a profitable business out of the now renamed Blue Moon Detective Agency.  The two go on to bumble their way to solving many mysteries, argue and fight continuously, slam doors, wink at the camera, yell, scream, and provide us with hours of entertainment.

Turn your way back machines to the year 1985 Sherman.  After some success on working on Remington Steele, Glen Gordon Caron was asked to create a pilot for a new man/woman partner detective show.  Not a big fan of the genre, but given carte blanche to do whatever he wanted, he created a show that was more comedy than suspense, more about the relationships between men and women than about detective and suspect, and a show that would break many of televisions rules.  To begin with the show was an hour long comedy, an extreme rarity today much less in 1985.  The characters would occasionally talk to the viewers or make comments about this week’s episode or belonging on cable.  In the Christmas episode (the entire episode written as an allegory) the characters actually step off set onto the soundstage to be serenaded by the crew and their friends and family signing Noel, Noel

They also pushed the boundaries for what could be done in an hour of television.  The black and white episode was shot on old film stock with the black and white cameras that were tracked down.  Not only that, but each of the two black and white sequences were shot in different styles, paying homage to both the old MGM movies and the “Marloweske” detective films.  The studio being very anxious about showing a black and white episode asked for an explanation at the beginning (thinking people wouldn’t understand why their televisions lost all color twelve minutes in).  So who do they get to do it?  Orson—freakin’—Welles!  Exactly one week before his death.  In many ways the show was well ahead of its time and television creators who have taken chances (a certain vampire slayer bursting into song comes to mind) owe quite a bit to this little niche cult television show that somehow, to the surprise of all involved, became a huge phenomenon and ABC’s #1 show in the late 80’s. 

Other great episodes include two Agnes DiPesto episodes, Next Stop Murder, a different take on Murder on the Orient Express, and North by North DiPesto, which if I have to tell you what it’s spoofing you won’t get the joke.  Great suspenseful plot twist abound in The Lady in the Iron Mask which has a hilarious chase sequence and The Bride of Tupperman where a man offers our detectives $25,000 to find his perfect mate.  What can you say about a series that has one episode that includes a food fight, The Murder’s in the Mail, and another that deals seriously with both sides of the euthanasia debate, Witness For the Execution?

You get your money’s worth (list price $49.98) here for 6 discs packed with 24 episodes and full of extras.  Commentary tracks for five different episodes including the pilot and the black and white episode The Dream Sequence Always Rings Twice feature the creator, different writers and directors and both Bruce Willis and Cybil Shepherd do commentary for one episode each.  The commentary is surprising good, especially for Dream Sequence, discussing the Orson Welles cameo and the process of making the black and white episode.  Also included are 3 different documentaries and a collection of old promos that aired for the show.  The menus are easily accessible, and the episodes can be viewed individually or you can select the play all option that will show all the disc’s episodes consecutively (I can’t tell you how much nicer this is than constantly going back to the main menu to play the next episode).  My only real complaint is the housing of the discs.  It’s well made, but usually with this type of container there is a sleeve to slide the single holder into, since there isn’t one provided here the sides tend to push out and allow dust inside relatively easily, with no way to keep the case closed.

Aside from the disappointment for the case, I was extremely pleased with this package.  The documentaries are interesting, the commentaries are informative and entertaining, and the show works as well today as it did 20 years ago when it aired.  I’d recommend this to anyone who remembers the show, or anyone who enjoys screwball slapstick comedy and/or pretty good mystery stories.  Also look for many familiar faces making guest appearances (Tim Robbins, Whoopi Goldberg, Dana Delany, Mark Linn-Baker, Eve Marie Saint, Paul Rudd, and Richard Belzer just being a few).

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War of the Worlds

Sadly, Spielberg’s populist instincts are in full effect for the film’s finale (which in and of itself is a bit logic-defying), but it’s not enough to detract from the overall power and effectiveness of this very engaging piece of cinema. Even at his schlocky worst, Spielberg remains an absolute master of the form, and War of the Worlds might easily be the best film you’ll see this summer.

War of the Worlds
4 & 1/2 Stars

It’s been quite some time since summer blockbuster season was anything more than mindless explosions, but this year may mark the return of the engaging action film, with Batman Begins and Steven Spielberg’s War of the Worlds making big time entertainment both smarter, and more emotionally engaging than audiences have been used to.

Marking the fifth incarnation (book, radio play, the 53 film version, a low-budget source-faithful movie made last year, and now this version) of H.G. Wells’ invasion classic, Steven Spielberg brings the Victorian Era thriller into the post 9/11 present, but manages to stay true to the spirit and tone of the original. An improbably cast but still effective Tom Cruise takes the lead as blue-collar Jersey-ite Ray Ferrier whose parental weekend with his two kids (Dakota Fanning and Justin Chatwin) is interrupted by the arrival of an alien menace. Seeking only to protect himself and his children, Ray evades the destruction of his city and makes off for Boston, where his ex-wife and family are, dealing with panicked crowds, an unrelenting alien force, and his own sense of responsibility.

After it’s slightly awkward introduction of characters War of the Worlds soon kicks into high gear, with the jaw-dropping spectacle of alien machines rising out of the Earth to destroy everything in its path. From that point forward, you’re totally caught in the grip of a survival story that refuses to let up. Tense, panicked, and just brimming with the urgency of a family desperately trying to reach some kind of sanctuary, Spielberg has moved the focus and perspective of an invasion film from a world at war to one man in a situation he can’t possibly understand fully.

It’s a brilliant choice to limit the information we receive to that which Ray and his kids encounter, and it works to continually unsettle you. There’s very little exposition, no big speeches, and again and again we’re shown just how ineffective the human race is against such a superior force. Most importantly we’re show the destruction of a world through the eyes of a normal man for whom circumstance has forced him step up and fend for people other than himself.

The effects of 9/11 are all over this film, from Dakota Fanning asking a panicked Cruise, “Is it the terrorists again?” (Which, is exactly what a child would ask), to the handmade signs posted by the loved ones of the missing (and most likely dead), and most powerfully, to the equally charitable and selfish actions of people who’ve lost everything except the will to survive.

In an effective set piece (which nonetheless derails the momentum of the film due to it’s length), Ray and his daughter hook up with an addled survivalist Tim Robbins, forcing Ray to decide between fighting back at those who’ve destroyed his home and protecting the life of his daughter. It’s a tense and creepy portion of the film, and one in which you’re uncertain which direction it will eventually go in.

Sadly, Spielberg’s populist instincts are in full effect for the film’s finale (which in and of itself is a bit logic-defying), but it’s not enough to detract from the overall power and effectiveness of this very engaging piece of cinema. Even at his schlocky worst, Spielberg remains an absolute master of the form, and War of the Worlds might easily be the best film you’ll see this summer.

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Zombies Down Under

As zombie movies go, Undead gets points for trying to throw the audience some plot curveballs, but like any zombie movie it’s really just an excuse to keep you guessing which characters live and which die (There’s not a lot of difficulty in this instance).  The action is over the top, and the gore is split pretty evenly between clever physical effects and CGI trickery.  Which is a bit sad, as George Romero’s budget forced he and Tom Savini to create some incredibly resourceful effects, while the Spierig brothers just rely on CGI (with one brain punching exception).

The film can’t decide if it wants to be as it jumps from low-brow comedy to horror to action with little breathing room in between.  Were the actors up to the task, it might have worked itself out, but budget woes kept each scene to one or two takes each and it shows.  Similarly the camera work seems uneven, with most of the film bathed in a dark blue filter (which obscures a good deal of detail), but sometimes it jumps back to a full RGB spectrum. 

Undead
2 & 1/2 Stars

The advance word on the ultra-low budget Undead had it pegged as a return to the romp and gore of Peter Jackson’s Dead Alive, so expecatations were high.  Sadly this nugget of zombie love doesn’t live up to it’s own hype, but it still managed to be an entertaining bloodfest.

Written and directed by a team of first-time-out brothers Michael and Peter Spierig, starring no one you’ve ever heard of, and made for about 4 dollars, Undead takes all the allegory and pretention out of zombie films and puts it right back in the blood bucket, where it belongs.  This time around, meteors have bombarded the small down of Berkeley, turning residents into flesh-craving zombies.  Local beauty queen Rene (Felicity Mason) gets her depature from Berkeley cut short by an attack, only to be saved by the local gun nut (and loony) Marion (Mungo McKay), whom she follows to find refuge.  Soon enough they’re joined by two constables (Emma Randall and Dirk Hunter), as well as a young couple (Rob Jenkins and Lisa Cunningham).  Due to lack of supplies and the needs of pregnant Sallyanne (Cunningham), the group is forced to battle their way across town, only to find that some force has walled off the town and is abducting it’s inhabitants.

As zombie movies go, Undead gets points for trying to throw the audience some plot curveballs, but like any zombie movie it’s really just an excuse to keep you guessing which characters live and which die (There’s not a lot of difficulty in this instance).  The action is over the top, and the gore is split pretty evenly between clever physical effects and CGI trickery.  Which is a bit sad, as George Romero’s budget forced he and Tom Savini to create some incredibly resourceful effects, while the Spierig brothers just rely on CGI (with one brain punching exception).

The film can’t decide if it wants to be as it jumps from low-brow comedy to horror to action with little breathing room in between.  Were the actors up to the task, it might have worked itself out, but budget woes kept each scene to one or two takes each and it shows.  Similarly the camera work seems uneven, with most of the film bathed in a dark blue filter (which obscures a good deal of detail), but sometimes it jumps back to a full RGB spectrum. 

All in all Undead should provide zombie fans with a gore-treat free of the current pretentions, but it’s no second coming of Peter Jackson.

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