Terry’s Train Wreck
- Title: Tideland
- IMDb: link
Tideland is so bad you honestly wonder if it was made as a joke. It makes Running Scared (if you forgot how much I detested that film check out the review) look merely mediocre. It’s dreadful, and one of the worst films ever made.
The film opens with the heroin-addicted couple who use their daughter Jeliza-Rose (Jodelle Ferland) to prepare their needles. After the mother (Jennifer Tily) dies of and overdose, Noah (Jeff Bridges) takes his daughter to the country to the abandoned farmhouse where he grew up.
There he promptly overdoes himself leaving Jeliza-Rose alone with his decomposing corpse in the middle of the living room. She’s so screwed-up she doesn’t notice and walks around in her own fantasy world with her only friends, the detached heads of a handful of dolls. Of course she has to periodically return and give the decomposing body a big hug.
Out one day she runs into a retarded young man named Dickens (Brendan Fletcher), and the evil-crone who takes care of him (Janet McTeer), who are just as screwed-up as she is, if not more so. They also seem to live in a bizarre world not unlike young Jeliza-Rose.
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Aside from possibly being the worst adapted sci-fi project ever, this is the longest 100 minute movie I have ever been forced to sit through. Now I was pissed at Spielberg’s screwed up vision of Minority Report but even that becomes almost watch able compared to this reject. It’s not just that it is so bad mind you, and it’s terrible by the way, it’s the mind boggling way in which the story is run into the ground through such staggering ineptitude.