1.5 Razors

Wake Up!

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: Sleepwalking
  • IMDB: link

“I’m pretending not to hate my life.”
 

sleepwalking-poster

Joleen (Charlize Theron) is a mess.  She can’t raise her daughter Tara (AnnaSophia Robb) and has just been evicted.  Unable to deal with the harsh realities of her life, she pawns off her daughter on her only slightly more stable brother James (Nick Stahl), and takes off (for most of the film’s running time), without saying goodbye, with promises to return after she hits it big.

Trouble is James is almost as big a screw-up as his sister and promptly loses both his apartment and his job.  Tara is shipped off to Social Services and James goes off to live in a friend’s (Woody Harrelson) basement.

By this point your obviously wondering what the point of the film is.  I was too.  In fact after watching the entire thing I’m still unsure.

Unable to abandon Tara as her mother did James kidnaps her and takes her on a road trip back home to the farm where he and Joleen were raised.  There Tara meets her grandfather (Dennis Hopper) who, let’s just say doesn’t stand a good chance at winning grandfather of the year.

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Sydney White on DVD

/ / Home Video
  • Title: Sydney White
  • IMDB: link

“Does anyone know another word for douchebagery?  I don’t want to repeat it a third time.”

sydney-white-dvdAmanda Bynes stars as a Sydney White, a girl raised by her plumber father (John Schneider) who goes away to college and has a hard time fitting in as she pledges her mother’s sorority.  The movie follows a basic structure of Snow White with the young girl fighting off a witch (Sara Paxton), meeting a Prince (Matt Long), and eventually moving in with seven odd fellows.  For more on the basic plot of the film check out the original review.

You sort of want to like Sydney White.  It’s filled with nice people, it’s sweet and goofy, but it’s as appetizing as a year-old rice cake.  If you are a 7 to 13 year-old girl you might find some fun here.  From script to DVD Sydney White comes off as a cute girl trying to get through life on her looks alone and unwilling to put in anything more than the bare minimum token effort on anything else.

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P.S. This is a Bad Movie

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: P.S. I Love You
  • IMDb: link

P.S. I Love YouFresh off the insanely bad The Reaping (read that review) Hilary Swank takes this braindead romcom?  Why, Hilary, Why?  Okay, so it’s nowhere near the disaster of Mandy Moore’s films from earlier this year, but when that’s the only good thing I can say about it, well, that’s a problem.  Overfilled with enough cuteness to make a Care Bear strangle someone, this is a film best forgotten in movie hell, or inevitably replayed forever on Lifetime (which might be the same thing).

Holly (Hilary Swank) and Gerry (Gerard Butler) are the cutest couple ever!  They met cute, their first kiss was precious, and they even fight cute.  This movie is so stuffed with cuteness it makes The Care Bears Movie look like Schindler’s List.  Problem is, he’s dead.  But don’t worry, it’s not a downer because Holly even mopes cute.

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Why I Hate Weddings

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: Margot at the Wedding
  • IMDb: link

You know I can handle a chick flick, but Margot at the Wedding is a chick flick on speed, (and not that good of one).

The film is centered on Margot (Nicole Kidman) an overbearing and smothering loudmouth who drags her child (Zane Pais) to her sister Pauline’s (Jennifer Jason Leigh) wedding, not to celebrate to to break it up and find some time cheat on her husband (John Turturro) to bone an old school chum (Ciarán Hinds).

Subplots of the film include the averageness of Pauline’s fiancé Malcolm (Jack Black), the cute and seductive neighborhood girl (Halley Feiffer), suggestions of child abuse and incest, and the increasingly odd and crazy argument with the neighbors over the fate of the family’s favorite tree.

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More Video Game Movie Mediocrity

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: Hitman
  • IMDb: link

What’s Thanksgiving without a turkey?  Hitman is exactly is good as you would expect from a flick adapted off a series of video games.  It’s not the mind-numbing disaster Doom was (thank God! read that review), but it’s not exactly good either.

Timothy Olyphant stars as “Agent 47,” a bald hitman with a bar code stamped on the back of his head.  He works for a secret organization performing assassination and murder for hire, that is until (for no apparent reason) he’s sold out by the people who own him and he goes on the run with a whore (Olga Kurylenko) owned by the man he must kill and avoid capture by the Interpol agent on his tail (Dougray Scott).

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More Video Game Movie Mediocrity Read More »