1.5 Razors

The Matrix (Zombie) Resurrections

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: The Matrix Resurrections
  • IMDb: link

What a piece of shit. I’m pretty sure The Matrix Resurrections exists solely to shut-up people who thought it was impossible to make a Matrix film worse than The Matrix Revolutions. Well, there’s no argument now. Holy fuck, this movie is awful while constantly preening at the camera (often in bad makeup) smugly thinking it’s the shit by repackaging fan fiction takes on The Matrix as original content.

The reimagining/sequel brings back Keanu Reeves and Carrie-Anne Moss, along with a few other familiar faces, while recasting other key roles, relying completely on nostalgia and emotion for the original film (often restaging or simply replaying  scenes), and blending that all together in a mishmash of half-baked ideas that ignores as much about the original films and characters as it uses when it suits the film’s purposes.

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The Voyeurs

/ / Home Video
  • Title: The Voyeurs
  • IMDb: link

The Voyeurs

The Voyeurs is an thrill-less tale of a naïve couple too cute for their own good (Sydney Sweeney and Justice Smith) who become obsessed watching their neighbor’s (Ben Hardy) sexual antics from their apartment window. Dragged down by a sluggish pace, questionable acting, and an increasingly absurd storyline, the movie from writer/director Michael Mohan is barely salacious let alone the erotic thriller it aspires to be. The Voyeurs is flaccid for most of its two-hour run-time.

After meeting their neighbor’s wife (Natasha Liu Bordizzo), who they’ve watched the photographer cheat on with a revolving door of models he’s brought into the apartment, Pippa (Sweeney) becomes overly invested in what’s occurring across the street leading to a series of bad decisions, and insane twists (each less believable than the last), before the movie mercifully comes to an end.

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The Lie

/ / Home Video
  • Title: The Lie
  • IMDb: link

The Lie movie posterThe Lie is a joyless exercise featuring Peter Sarsgaard and Mireille Enos as a pair of divorced parents who decide to to work together to hide the fact that their daughter (Joey King) is responsible for the death of one of her friends (Devery Jacobs) during a contrived set-up in the film’s tiresome first act.

The film features the parents making a series of bad decisions, including trying to throw suspicion on the missing girl’s father (Cas Anvar) as the reason for her disappearance by painting him as a child abuser while forcing their daughter to echo the lies to the police. Sarsgaard and Enos do what they can, but there’s not much here to work with, while King is stuck with a character the script can never properly come to terms with. Melodramatic as a tween with her first phone, events spiral out of control and even an absurd late twist can’t save what is best forgotten.

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Spenser Confidential

/ / Home Video
  • Title: Spenser Confidential
  • IMDb: link

Spenser Confidential movie reviewSpenser Confidential is loosely based on Robert B. Parker’s novels about a smart-ass Boston private investigator. And when I say loosely, I mean screenwriters Sean O’Keefe and Brian Helgeland may have glanced at the spine of one of the dozens of Spenser novels written by Robert B. Parker over the decades. The film re-imagines Spenser (Mark Wahlberg) as a recently-paroled cop who spent five years in prison after beating up his superior officer (Michael Gaston) on his front lawn after the police captain buried evidence on the brutal murder of a protester (Avery Grant).

With dreams of being a truck driver, Spenser is pulled back into the muck when the police captain and another officer are murdered on the day Spenser is released from prison. Although only a suspect for about five seconds, Spenser decides to look into the situation on his own. Hawk (Winston Duke) is re-imagined as a young kickboxer rather than the world-class hitman with a shared boxing past with Spenser. Alan Arkin co-stars as gym owner Henry Cimoli who, along with training Hawk and giving Spenser a place to stay, helps Spenser and Hawk on the case.

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Captain America

/ / Television Reviews
  • Title: Captain America (1979)
  • IMDb: link

Captain America review

Throwback Tuesday takes us back to one of the more unusual adaptations of Captain America. 1979’s made-for-television movie Captain America is a bizarre experience that reminds you just how far Marvel has come over the years in licensing their characters for live-action films. Set in the 1970s, Reb Brown stars as Steve Rogers. This Steve isn’t a World War II veteran. Instead, he’s a former soldier and dirt bike racer, now retired beach bum. Dr. Simon Mills (Len Birman), a colleague of Steve’s father, reaches out with an offer. There’s this serum you see which will only work for Steve. A couple of attempts on Steve’s life, one leaving him near death, lead to Steve being reborn as Captain America, a name we’re told his father’s enemies used as an insult, or at least a Six Million Dollar Man approximation of what Captain America would look like on a shoestring budget.

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