1 Razor

Crossover

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: Crossover
  • IMDB: link

crossover-posterYou want to know a really dumb idea for a movie?  You want to see a movie staring television actors and video models seemingly chosen at random?  You want to see an example of a film you could beat with $5 and your own camcorder?  You want it?  Well hold your hats folks, ‘cause this one’s for you!

Noah Cruise (Wesley Jonathan) is a good kid.  He does his homework, he loves his grandma, he has a good job, he’s polite and kind, and he sticks by his friends.  Oh, and he’s the next big thing in basketball, except he doesn’t want to be.

Cruise would rather everyone quit the NBA talk and let him go to UCLA on a basketball scholarship to become a doctor.  His life is on track until his longtime friend Tech (Anthony Mackie) asks him for a little favor.

Tech knows about this secret underground basketball league, run by a former NBA agent (Wayne Brady), and wants nothing more than to beat the reigning champs.  Tech pulls his friend into the game calling on an old favor and puts Cruise’s future and life in jeopardy.
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Less, Far Less, Than Meets the Eye

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: Transformers
  • IMDb: link

As a kid I had Transformers toys, I watched the television series without fail, and collected the original Marvel Comics Transformers series (all 80 issues and those lame cross-over mini-series too!).  So the fanboy in me was ecstatic when I learned that a live-action film of the comics, television show, and toys I grew up with was going to be attempted.  But when I heard that Michael Bay was going to head the project I felt less than thrilled.  Remember, this is from the guy who defended The Island, but I still doubted whether Bay could translate the stories of my youth to the big screen.  I shouldn’t have worried because he didn’t even try.  There isn’t a single recognizable moment from the Transformers of my childhood other than you’ve got robots that transform into objects and vehicles.  I am deeply saddened that Bay and his writers didn’t trust the source material and the original character designs and mythology choosing instead to throw out over twenty-years of history to do it their own way.  The result is less, far less, than meets the eye.

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Another Philip K. Dick Flick?  Skip it, and wait for the NEXT one

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: Next
  • IMDB: link

next-posterGreat idea, horrible execution.  That’s Next in a nutshell.  To start off with the film has much working against it.  First off, it’s based on the Philip K. Dick short story “The Golden Man,” and we all know that Hollywood has had mixed success translating his work on screen. 

Add to that a floundering Nicholas Cage (anyone remember Ghost Rider?) and the curse of Jessica Biel (see Blade Trinity, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Illusionist, Summer Catch, Elizabethtown, Rules of Attraction, and Stealth) and you have all manner of disasters just waiting to occur.

The film centers around lackluster magician Cris Johnson (Cage), working under the name Frank Cadillac – we don’t care why, but the film feels a need to explain the name, which is about the only thing it seems to give a straight explanation. 

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Another Philip K. Dick Flick?  Skip it, and wait for the NEXT oneRead More »

Another Philip K. Dick Flick?  Skip it, and wait for the NEXT one Read More »

More Like Hell

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: Haven
  • IMDB: link

haven-posterHaven is like watching a mediocre movie on cable television and switching the channel to a different mediocre movie every 30 minutes and occasionally going back to see if the others have gotten any better.  Well, it’s not quite that good.

The film begins with the story of successful business man Carl Ridley (Bill Paxton) and his teenage daughter Pippa (Agnes Bruckner), who flee the country to the Cayman Islands to avoid prosecution.  Carl has laundered money from some illegal activity (the film never explains what this was, or the limit to Carl’s involvement).

Once in the Islands, Pippa (what an awful name) rebels and hangs out with a local wannabe gangster (Victor Rasuk) who steals a car, takes her to a party, gets her high and then arrested.

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X3: The Lamest Stand

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: X-Men: The Last Stand
  • IMDb: link

x-men-the-lamest-stand-poster

I have this vision in my head of Brett Ratner and Bryan Singer.  Singer who directed the first two films was originally attached to this one and Ratner was scheduled to direct Superman Returns.  One left, then the other and then they were suddenly attached to each other’s films.  Here’s my thought – Ratner and Singer both in their new offices laughing hysterically to themselves that they’ve detached themselves from a horrible project and put the noose around the other guy’s neck while they have moved on to brighter pastures.  Then they each sit down in their new offices in their cushy chairs basking in their sense of accomplishment and read the script in front of them only upon finishing to exclaim, “Oh shit!”

The fallout from Alkaline Lake has left Cyclops (James Marsden) a broken man who is drawn back there after months by a voice in his head only to find his love Jean Grey (Famke Jensen) resurrected but not quite the same.  It seems Jean is the most powerful mutant on the planet and also has been schizophrenic since childhood; the repressed personality of the Phoenix is now in control.  Professor X (Patrick Stewart) had been keeping Jean’s mind together by caging the other personality deep within her mind but now it has been unleashed.

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