2.5 Razors

Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. – One of Us

/ / Television Reviews
  • Title: Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. – One of Us
  • wiki: link

Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. - One of Us

While Coulson (Clark Gregg) calls in outside help to evaluate Skye (Chloe Bennet) in the wake of learning about her transformation and occasional earthquake side-effects, Cal Zebo (Kyle MacLachlan) scrubs the bottom of the barrel to enlist the help of some D-list villains (Drea de Matteo, Geo Corvera, Ric Sarabia, Jeff Daniel Phillips) to cause Coulson and his team a relatively small amount of trouble. (Seriously, with the list of all the super-powered baddies S.H.I.E.L.D. has ever come across this is the best he could do?)

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Battle Creek – Man’s Best Friend

/ / Television Reviews
  • Title: Battle Creek – Man’s Best Friend
  • IMDb: link

Battle Creek - Man's Best Friend

While the episode’s B-story continues poking into how Milton Chamberlain (Tad Hamilton) found himself transferred to Battle Creek by sending Erin (Liza Lapira) to an FBI seminar in Detroit, the main plot of “Man’s Best Friend” concerns an elementary school student found with a kilo of heroin in her backpack. Despite multiple attempts to get the truth out of the girl and her parents Russ (Dean Winters) and Milt are unable to learn the truth forcing them to track down multiple leads including the recent incursion of Dominican drug dealers into the area and the possibility that the girl’s uncle, a local cop, stole the drugs from the evidence room.

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Battle Creek – Syruptitious

/ / Television Reviews
  • Title: Battle Creek – Syruptitious
  • IMDb: link

Battle Creek - Syruptitious

The second episode the series continues the uneasy partnership between Detective Russ Andrew (Dean Winters) and FBI Special Agent Milton Chamberlain (Tad Hamilton) investigating a syrup conspiracy that led to murder while introducing an incredibly lazy B-story focused on Fontanelle White’s (Kumar Patel) investigation into a marijuana dispensary which gypped him on some fake drugs. The second is memorable only for the actor’s previous work while the first offers a bizarre twist on a local monopoly more cutthroat than you would expect.

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Uncanny X-Men #31

/ / Comics

Uncanny X-Men #31Uncanny X-Men wraps up the Matthew Malloy storyline with a bit of a cheat and in a way that teaches Tempus a horrible lesson about how messing with the past to remove someone from all existence is a good thing for a hero to do. First, I don’t buy Professor Xavier taking such a stance. And second, Tempus’ threat to do the same to Cyclops is not only out of line but also empty as any erasing of the existence of Scott Summers (who matters far more in Marvel history than Mally) would lead to any number of dire futures completely destroyed by the Phoenix or ruled over by Apocalypse or Magneto.

The other problem with the arc’s wrap-up is that removes the intriguing character of Malloy in a way that admits he doesn’t really matter (an argument at odds with everything the X-Men have stood for over the last half-century) as the character was never designed to be anyhing more than a plot device from the beginning. The fallout also leaves several questions about the future direction of this title with Scott closing his school and (apparently) choosing to roam the Earth like Caine in Kung Fu. Hit-and-Miss.

[Marvel, $3.99]

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Guilty Pleasures – Once Bitten / Love at First Bite

/ / Home Video
  • Title: Once Bitten / Love at First Bite
  • IMDb: link
  • IMDb: link

Once Bitten / Love at First Bite

Sometimes studio released dual-packs are an odd mixture of movies thrown together. That’s not the case with Scream Factory’s new Double Feature of insane vampire parodies from the late 70s and mid-80s. Once Bitten stars a young Jim Carrey as a sweet high school virgin seduced by a mysterious older woman (Lauren Hutton) who just happens to be a vampire in need of his blood to continue her immortality. Mark’s increasingly odd behavior doesn’t going unnoticed by his equally chaste high school girlfriend (Karen Kopins) who, in true sex comedy fashion, will discover the perfect solution to saving Mark’s soul.

Love at First Bite is arguably even more ridiculous starring the world’s tannest man George Hamilton as Count Dracula who attempts to fit into New York City while stalking a fashion model (Susan Saint James) he belives to be the reincarnation of his great love and being perused by a descendant of the world’s greatest vampire hunter (Dick Shawn).

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