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Payneful

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: Max Payne
  • IMDB: link

“I don’t believe in heaven.”

Sometimes I think the best job in the world would be as a writer for video games.  The plots don’t have to make sense, you don’t have to worry about logic or character development and the story is always a distant third to gameplay and effects.  If this is true then the hardest job around just might be the guy who has to take the nonsensical storyline of a video game and attempt to turn it into a feature film.  The result, more often than not, is something like Max Payne

The film is based on the Max Payne video game, so stay with me as I attempt to explain the plot.

Max Payne (Mark Wahlberg) is a police detective assigned as a file clerk to the Cold Case room in the bowels of the department.  Mostly Max looks angry/constipated as he sits at his desk going over files and in his spare time tries to solve the murder of his wife (Marianthi Evans) and daughter.

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A Convict’s Wet Dream

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Death Race
  • IMDb: link

“So do what you do best.  Drive.”

Hitting the theaters in the ass-end of summer (not good for an action flick) comes Death Race.  I’m not sure what Joan Allen is doing here, or even Jason Statham, but there’s little that justifies the remake of the Harvey Corman film or yet another tale about convicts killing each other for the camera.  But at least it’s better than The Condemned (read that review).

The economy of the United States has collapsed.  In this near future (roughly four years from today) prisons are run by cooperations, for a profit.  Though what type of cooperation would go for this is never explained (gee, I wonder why Budweiser wouldn’t want to be marketed in the film?).

Unemployment is out an all-time high and the most watched program on the air is a pay-per-view Internet program which involves prisoners fighting for their lives.  Hmm… haven’t we seen something like this before, once, twice, three times, or more?

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7 Lessons from the Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
  • IMDB: link

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor is the latest from the movie franchise which has spawned prequels and sequels.  Brandon Frasier returns to stop a Mummy, this time with the help of Maria Bello (who takes over for Rachel Weisz), their brash young son (Luke Ford, in a performance everyone will want to forget), and a mysterious Asian woman (Isabella Leong) who holds answers to their questions.

Ridiculous from beginning to end, instead of a review I’m going to give you some of the “highlights” of the flick which provides some lessons worth discussing.  For more on the ins and outs of the film itself check out Ian’s review.

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A Better Batman

/ / Movie Reviews, Theme Week
  • Title: The Dark Knight
  • IMDB: link

“Some men just want to watch the world burn.”

“You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.”

Christian Bale returns to the role of Bruce Wayne, and his pointy-eared alter-ego Batman.  The sequel takes place months after the end of Batman Begins.  Batman and Lt. Gordon (Gary Oldman) have been busy squeezing the Gotham mob, and with the help of the golden-haired District Attorney, Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckhart), they hope to make real changes in Gotham.

However, there’s a new player in town.  A psychotic mystery man named the Joker (Heath Ledger) who, after robbing them blind, offers his services to Gotham’s crime families to kill the Batman.

There’s so much to discuss.  And I haven’t even mentioned the love triangle between Bruce, Harvey and Rachel (Maggie Gyllenhaal, taking over the role Katie Holmes played in Batman Begins) or the in-fighting among the mob, or the cops on the take.  Whew!  The film is a bit long at 152 minutes, however it’s also chocked-full of plot; there’s barely a wasted moment.  This is the Batman movie fans have been clamouring for.  I’m betting good money that more than one fanboy will wet himself.

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Hellboy…Hell Yeah!!

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: Hellboy II: The Golden Army
  • IMDB: link

Ron Perlman might have began his career in 1975, but certainly has been one hell of a project man since the mid-1980’s from then to date he has worked on over 150 projects from voice over, TV, monsters and priests, Mr. Pearlman is still hitting it strong with his stone fisted sarcastic creature of the underworld, Hellboy. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, one of the few men on this planet I would consider dating as long as he stays in one of his monstrous costumes; he wears big muscles in red and horns with a tail well. Selma Blair has found her calling, between all the phony little characters she has played over her career I would say the strong and oh not so quiet type fire girl who’s in love with the big red hunk of burning love is certainly the part for her. The new characters Prince Nuada played by Luke Goss and Princess Nuala played by Anna Waltong add a fresh change to the story, it’s interesting to see a Tokenistic twist put on the everlasting battle of good verses evil in a modern world.

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