Essays

We’re introducing a new feature today.  Every now and again the RF staff, with the help of some friends, will be giving short (but sweet) lists on all kinds of movie goodness (and badness).  Everybody’s got a DVD collection, though some are better than others.  But what are those handful of DVD’s everyone should have on their shelf?  I’m glad you asked!  Today, with the help of one of our Kansas City Film Critic pals, we’ll take a look and give you some recommendations for DVD’s everyone should own.

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A few notes about today’s list.  The list includes single movies (that’s why you won’t see the original Star Wars Trilogy showing up on my list) available on DVD.  These are not necessarily a list of our favorite films nor a list of what we believe to be the greatest films of all time.  This is a list of movies we just can’t seem to stop watching, and think you should be watching too!

Phil Boatwright is our guest-reviewer for today’s list.  Phil has been writing film reviews from a Christian perspective for thirteen years, and is a fellow member of the Kansas City Film Critics Circle.  He is a syndicated film reviewer for such publications as The Christian Single, Living with Teenagers, St. Louis Metro Voice and other periodicals across the country.  You can currently read Phil’s reviews and articles here.

For simplicity, and to give you a wider sampling, we haven’t duplicated any film (for example two of Phil’s 5 could fit easily on my list).  All the films are arranged alphabetically below.  Enjoy!

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Phil Boatwright’s Top 5

Casablanca – I have always considered Citizen Kane the one flawless film, but after a recent viewing of Rick & Elsa’s great love story, I’ve capitulated – Casablanca truly reigns as the greatest motion picture of all time.  I cannot find a false or ineffective camera angle, line or performance in the entire production.  Love, honor and patriotism prevail.  It’s a film I never get tired of viewing.

It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World – All-star cast includes Spencer Tracy, Milton Berle, Sid Caesar, Buddy Hackett, Ethel Merman, Mickey Rooney…oh, heck, it stars every major comic from the ‘30s to the ‘60s!  A non-stop laugh-a-thon as a group of motorists learn of a fortune buried 200 miles away.

The Magnificent Seven – Derived from the Kurosawa “Eastern,” The Seven Samurai, about gunmen defending a poor Mexican village from bandits is perfectly cast, and contains great shootouts.  Elmer Bernstein’s music is outstanding.  (I’m actually getting a little tired of the film, but it’s taken me near eighty showings to do it.)

The Quiet Man – Most film historians grudgingly accept John Wayne as one of the grandest personas ever to appear on celluloid.  Some even take umbrage to the pronouncement that he could not act.  From my research over the years, I’ve discovered John Wayne was John Wayne.  Bigger than life with a Mount Rushmore identity, Wayne was brave, tough, generous and patriotic, just like the man in played in a 150 movies.  Even political foes like Lauren Bacall and Kirk Douglas stand in awe of what he was and what he stood for.  True, no one has made more dreadful films (Rio Lobo, The Conqueror, Jet Pilot), but on the other hand, few have given us any more entertaining pictures than The Quiet Man.  In it Wayne is indomitable in dealing with Victor McLaglen, humorous with Barry Fitzgerald, and tender with one of the most beautiful women on the movie screen, Maureen O’Hara.  John Ford won a deserving Best Director Oscar for this production of a man returning to his roots and discovering that love with an Irish redhead can be as rocky and beautiful as Ireland itself.  A loving, sentimental look at the Ireland we all wish existed.  Great music, cinematography and story make this one of the Duke’s best.  Romance, humor and one of the longest fight scenes ever filmed!

Singin’ in the Rain – There are some very funny lines and sequences in this movie, but it’s the dance numbers that truly stand out.  Donald O’Connor’s Make ‘Em Laugh does just that.  And I defy you to not feel the joy of found love as Gene Kelly does the classic title song.

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Alan’s Top 5

2001: A Space Odyssey – I needed a sci-fi flick and for reasons mentioned above took Star Wars out of the equation.  That left me with a quandary.  I also needed a Stanley Kubrick film (everybody should own at least one) and although this isn’t my favorite film of his it does fill both categories nicely.  It’s influence can still be felt today (remember 2006’s The Fountain, or the look of last year’s Sunshine), and it remains one of the most ambitious projects any director attempted.  This space opera of a black monolith, a crazy computer, and an ending I’m still not sure I completely understand, pushed the envelope in every way.  It’s one of the few films that you can watch over and over and leave with a slightly different experience each time.

All The President’s Men – Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman, who have rarely been better, bring the true story of Watergate to the big screen.  The film is based off the book by Woodward and Bernstein which chronicled their investigation into the Watergate scandal and led to the eventual resignation of President Nixon.  From production, to acting, to directing, to storytelling, the film works on every conceivable level and presents an important message about journalism which only Good Night and Good Luck (30 years later!, read that review) has come close to.  The two-disc special edition includes featurettes on time period, the reporters, journalism, the impact of the film, the real life Deep Throat, and commentary from Redford.

Garden State – This might seem to stand out against the other films on the list, but it’s meant to.  We all have movies like this in our collection.  Sure there are better films on the shelf but somehow this one keeps finding itself in the DVD player.  I’m a big fan of Zach Braff’s (who wrote and directed as well as starred in the film) off-beat love story, and have lost track of the number of times I’ve watched it.  This is the film which finally made me like Natalie Portman, and think maybe that Scrubs guy has something afterall (though everything he’s done since has made a strong argument for this being an anomoly rather than a breakthrough).  And that soundtrack!  Garden State is a supremely watchable, and enjoyable, film.  Check out the full review.

Rear Window – James Stewart, Grace Kelly and Alfred Hitchcock.  What more could you possibly want.  This film has many imitators but no true successor.  For more on the beautifully remastered DVD read my full review.

The Third Man – Orson Welles.  It was hard to choose a film for this list.  I also considered Citizen Kane and A Touch of Evil, but in the end chose this noir thriller about a fool (Joseph Cotten) who stumbles into murder and mayhem in post-WWII Vienna, and solves the murder of his friend Harry Lime (Welles).  Aside from having the best reveal of all time, and one of the greatest speeches (about cuckoo clocks, of all things) the film also sports one of the most unique film scores, and a style and atmosphere perfectly suited to the story.  The two-disc Criterion Edition is filled to the brim with extras and features including multiple audio commentaries, a Graham Green radio recording, documentaries, featurettes, and more.  Like all Criterion discs it’s a bit pricey ($39.99) and almost impossible to find on sale, anywhere, but this one is worth it.  There are few films as memorable, and fans of cinema could, and have, spent years dissecting the camera angles, the lighting, and Anton Karas and his zither.  Just how good is this film?  Both the AFI (American Film Institute) and the BFI (British Film Institute), both claiming ownership to it, rank it among the best films of all time!

What would be better than getting this totally rad retro toy robot? That would be seeing my top picks for 2007.

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Few films stood out in 2007, but ones who did shined awfully bright. To follow are my top 5 films that are a must experience. Yes only 5, I’ve decided one of my New Year’s resolutions is to keep things simple and easy. How easy is it to accomplish viewing 5 great films? Pretty damn easy, that’s how easy. Others that didn’t make top 5, but worth a watch are No Country for Old Men, The Bourne Ultimatum, 3:10 to Yuma, Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford and Eagle vs Shark.

Here are the top 5 “TOTALLY RAD” films of the year.

1. Into the Wild: Let’s give another one up to Sean Penn; not only can that boy act, but has a hell of a set of directing chops. Brilliant cast, beautiful cinematography, jam’n soundtrack and a story that takes the whole audience on an epic adventure, how could anyone go wrong with Into the Wild? Based on the bestselling book by Jon Krakauer, this film reaches past the boundaries of everyday existence and delivers us into a world of thought, reasoning and love for life. Here is a young man who is tired of being what society and his parents expect and wants his freedom from the drudges of everyday life. He takes a long journey towards his goal of living in the wilderness in the cold depths of Alaska. Along his trip he runs into so many characters that shows him what true family is all about and how accepting your love and forgiving, you can accomplish anything.(read the full review)

2. Juno: Juno is a fresh twist to a teenage accident. Interesting how she originally chose to abort, but simply couldn’t bring herself to the task. Instead Juno and her buddy gathered up a PennySaver and found the want ads for babies. Cute white couple, looking to adopt beautiful newborn, will pay big dollars or something like that; Juno wanted the perfect couple to take care of what she new in her heart she couldn’t. The family dynamic and the humor that comes from everyday life makes Juno a pleasant surprise and a joy to watch. (read the full review)

3. Once: Once is an unpretentious film that has all the makings of a huge hit, between the music and chemistry amongst the leads there is no escaping the compassion that overwhelms. Humorous and poignant, this independent Irish driven musical doesn’t get caught up in the mundane, but rather keeps in tune with an inspiring romance. Once showcases the talents of Glen Hansard, singer/songwriter for the popular Irish band The Frames, and the delicate voice of Markéta Irglová, a new and refreshing face to the big screen. No worries if you are not a big musical fan, Once doesn’t pound you over the head with one song after another, but adds a perfect mix of dialogue and character interaction to accompany the music.(read the full review)

4. In the Valley of Elah: This film scared the shit out of me. To think the youth we have across seas right now and what type of mental capacity they have to handle everything being thrown at them. We have school shootings by teenagers not much younger than the ones we are intrusting with death and devastation in a third world country. The point of the this film should certainly make people set up and take notice, there is something so wrong with murder and to take it so lightly to commit it and cover it up and have absolutely no remorse for the crime, unbelievable. Tommy Lee Jones put on one of the best performances of his career and the way he and Charlize Theron worked together mesmerized the audience. She could have used a little more finesse and pizzazz behind her character and Susan Sarandon has played the grieving mother before. Interesting to see so much talent in one film and not expecting it, Jason Patric, James Franco and Josh Brolin, I didn’t see them coming. In the Valley of Elah is a must see with 4 razors.

5. Hairspray: Hairspray is a delightful toe tapping head bobbing experience. A remake of a musical of a remake of a…whatever, it fits perfect with today’s generation and what we would expect of a musical. Superstars like John Travolta, Michelle Pfeiffer, Christopher Walken and Queen Latifah grace the screen and the younger cast, Amanda Bynes, Zac Efron, Elijah Kelley and newbie Nikki Blonsky really add that special spark. Hairspray was a load of fun and a very unexpected and pleasant experience to watch. (read the full review)

Guess what guys?  Here’s a list of movies I liked this year.  IN FACT, it’s a list of the ten movies I like the very most.  I liked them all, and would totally give a thumbs up to anyone who helped to make any of them (except Halle Berry)!

Well go ahead man, what are you waiting for!?

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Let’s just get right to business, my favorite films of the year – with the order sure to change a whole lot of times before I bite the bucket – are as follows:

10 – The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

What makes this french film, based on the real life events of a paralyzed man who wrote a book by winking his eye, isn’t the strong story of the the likewise acting; but the unique voice of the movie’s director,  Julian Schnabel.  Beautiful, tragic and full of life without ever drawing attention to itself, it’s a joyous reminder that the greatest gift given to everyone is the imagination.  Look for it to become the most praised foreign film of the year.

9 – Things We Lost in the Fire

It really bugs me that I’m giving the annoying Halle Berry a spot in both my best and worst of the year lists; but I’d be lying to myself if I said that Things We Lost in the Fire weren’t a strong film that doesn’t have any trouble doing what it wants to do.  Mostly following the death of a father, husband and best friend (of a Benicio Del Toro character, who deserves an Oscar nom that the actor won’t get), the movie is about moving on and learning to take advantage of the good things in life.  Susanne Bier directs this clean cut of cinema clearly and gracefully, matching the beauty of the story in every technical aspect.  Read my review for more.

8 – 300

I don’t know if this movie is making too many year-end lists – and I don’t know that it wholly deserves to – but for a style-over-substance guy like me, it’s at home in its top ten spot.  I don’t have any complaints with the story; but everyone knows that this movie’s forte was its technical aspect.  Action films age pretty badly; but will enough time ever pass that one shot of 300 won’t make you pump your fist and scream “Fuck Yeah?”  Zack Snyder imagery, along with Larry Fong‘s pulpped, reddened photography were revolutionary for a studio picture, and one that will hopefully lead other films down less conventional visual paths.

7 – The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters

This documentary on two men racing for the world record high score at the classic Donkey Kong arcade game is one that’s destined to have a massive cult following.  With archetypically good and bad characters like Steve Wiebe, an everyman father/teacher who’s always number two and Billy Mitchell, a selfish hot sauce salesman evil enough to be a bad guy played by Ben Stiller in a movie; King of Kong is too undeniably fun to dismiss.  Documentaries, for whatever reasons, tend to deal with serious stories out of life; but this one proves that there’s no reason you can’t document something hilarious and outlandish in one too.  You’ll never boo, hiss or applaud so much at a documentary.

6 – Death Proof

It’s long.  It’s talky.  But I can’t think of another movie to ever take so much advantage of its build-up in its last act.  If all I saw of the movie were the first ninety minutes, it wouldn’t be on my list; but Quentin Tarantino‘s organic and most thrilling car chase in god knows how long wins every speck of attention in your brain, plastering you to your seat and sending you into cheers for characters you didn’t even think you liked, just for saying something as simple as “Nuh-uh, Motherfucker!”  That, and Tarantino’s aesthetic tribute to exploitation cinema is unknockable – it’s a perfect homage that, at the same time, awesomely outdoes any movie or style it’s imitating.  With a movie this fresh after fifteen years of directing, Tarantino isn’t losing his edge – he’s just getting started.

5 – Alpha Dog

The most flawed movie on this list, Alpha Dog just might be the most emotionally powerful.  It’s preachy and melodramatic around the edges, but the inside is a 100% authentic, believable story about a bunch of not-a-boy, not-yet-a-man guys trying to act tough; but they don’t realize how stupidly they’re behaving when they kidnap the kid brother of a guy they have beef with.  It’s a furious but solid argument against the machismo so many guys at the beginning of adulthood feel like they have to project.  I don’t know that I needed two prologues, a home video montage or worst of all, Sharon Stone crying in a bad fat-suit; but everything else in the film will get you more worried and angry than anything else this year.  You can go back a long ways and read my first opinion of the film.

4 – The Mist

Did anyone expect a giddy, pulpy horror picture about monsters coming from another dimension to be so damn good?  I didn’t, but I have a hard time thinking of this movie as anything short of amazing now.  Director Frank Darabont takes this scary thriller the philosophical route – he’s more interested in the demons that reveal themselves in the frightened human than the ones that walk on eight towering, hairy legs.  Let’s give some marks to Marcia Gay Harden for her just-right over-the-top performance as a self-appointed prophet, along with everyone else in this strong ensemble cast.

3 – No Country For Old Men

The Coens’ return to their merciless, humorless but often hilarious style of filmmaking is probably the most heralded film of the year, and I’m not disagreeing on this one.  Javier Bardem is damn petrifying as the grim reaper, and the everything else about this clean, ironic film makes it the most Coenish to date.  Haunting and lingering, this movie about the lack of glory that inhibits our lives is one you won’t ever forget.

2 – There Will Be Blood

Every one of the five years spent waiting for Paul Thomas Anderson‘s follow-up to the dizzy but exquisite Punch-Drunk Love were painful – but at least now we know they weren’t in vain.  Anderson’s exploration of business, religion and ethics feels so easily collected, only a real pro could do it.  Of course this is just as much P.T.A.‘s show as it is Daniel Day-Lewis’, who slowly makes his oil baron character more and more disconnected from reality until he finally pops out and off of humanity.  I could go on, but I think I’ll stop since I just wrote a review for the film last week.

1 – Zodiac

I’m surprised to see it at number one, and to be fair it only beats out the number two film after hours of thought; but my favorite movie of the year is probably Zodiac.  Few people can take a two-and-a-half hour+ picture that takes place over a quarter century without a resolution this satisfying and tense; but you have to hand it to thrill-master David Fincher that he handles the job with flying colors.  The terror and mythology of a serial killer run rampant through the Bay area keep this massive picture on the tracks, headed for one conclusion and one conclusion alone.  The gorgeous digital picture handles the retrospect perfectly – it gives us the allure of the 70s while looking current and undated.  And, while I’m automatically going to love any movie with Robert Downey Jr. in it, he’s got some great company in Zodiac with the boyish Jake Gyllenhaal and the frustrated Mark Ruffalo, alongside countless thankless character actors that only pop up for one or two scenes.  I can’t say it’s my number one film by a mile, but it’s a movie I haven’t stopped thinking about since I saw it in March, and I don’t know that I ever will.

2007 turned out to be a pretty darn good year for films, but not all of them were winners.  Here are the ten worst films I struggled to sit through, and barely survived.  The list consists of four decidedly unfunny romantic comedies (two of which star the lady to the right), Eddie Murphy’s worst film in years, a sci-fi flick, a horror flick, robots in disguise, and more, including the worst film of the year.  Check inside the Full Diagnosis for the full list (and be glad you didn’t have to sit through all ten!).

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Before we get to the list here’s a few films which narrowly missed the list but deserve dis-honorable mention – Blood and Chocolate, P.S. I Love You, Fred Claus, Ghost Rider, and Hitman.  Also it should be noted I missed out (darn!) on such films as Daddy Day Camp, Mr. Woodcock, Captivity, Awake, Good Luck Chuck, and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry which all seem like worthy candidates for such a list.

10. Next

It was a hard call between which of Nicolas Cage’s two insanely bad films would make the list.  Next beats out Ghost Rider (read that review) for the honor for its utter stupidity (and lack of any flaming skull special effects).  Now I’ll admit it’s not the easiest thing to do to translate a Philip K. Dick tale onto the big screen but it has been done better than this, most recently 2006’s A Scanner Darkly (read the review).  The story here involves some schmuck (Cage) who can look into the future, but only two-minutes into the future (except when the film needs him to look further, and then he can).  The film is filled with huge plot and logic holes, and Jessica Biel shows up as the love interest just to make sure to curse the flick to forgettable mediocrity.  Julianne Moore shows up for yet another insanely bad career turn (remember Freedomland?  I wish I didn’t!).  The science fiction elements never come together, the stunts are largely forgettable, and the acting is substandard at best.  Next fails both as a sci-fi flick and an action flick.  Thankfully Nicolas Cage’s Next film was better!

 

(read the full review)

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9. The Ex

What’s most frustrating about The Ex (and it’s hard to choose since the whole film makes you angry enough to punch out a nun!) is the waste of obvious talent.  Zach Braff, who three years ago gave us Garden State (read the review), along with Jason Bateman and Amanda Peet, both talented performers who seem to be cursed to be cast in mostly mediocre projects, are all wasted in a film that makes each of them dumb, drab, boring, and unfunny.  Charles Grodin doesn’t fair much better.  The jokes, the stuff of stale sitcoms and all of which you will see coming, fall flat, and the actors are made to stand in front of the camera and preen and smile knowing they may not pick up a single laugh from this project but at least they will get a check.  In the film an expecting couple (Braff, Peet) move back home so he can take a job in her father’s ad agency only to fall under the supervision of a paralyzed former boyfriend (Bateman) who tries to ruin Tom and win back his former love.  Unless you want to sit through an unbearable comedy which doesn’t contain a single laugh I’d suggest giving this dud a wide berth.

 

(read the full review)

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8. The Heartbreak Kid

Ben Stiller needs to find a new shtick.  In this remake of the 1972 film Stiller gives us the same old character he’s been doing for a decade.  Here Stiller marries a woman (Malin Akerman) who he doesn’t know all that well and who changes so completely after their vows it’s impossible to believe:  A) this is the same character, and B) some, if not all of her oddness and eccentricities wouldn’t have shown up before the marriage.  What follows are a series of gags, pratfalls, misunderstandings and general nonsense.  What doesn’t follow are laughs.  Stiller’s reunion with the Farrelly Brothers comes far short in meeting expectations.  There’s Something About Mary was fresh, unexpected, charming, and darn funny.  The Heartbreak Kid is none of these things.  This is regurgitated slop which relies solely on recycled and rejected jokes from better films.  The plot makes little sense as characters and situations are constantly rearranged for the next gag instead of being part of a coherent or believable narrative.  You should stay away from this one folks; it will break your heart.

 

(read the full review)

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7. Transformers

The biggest disappointment of 2007 was Michael Bay’s adaption of a beloved childhood toy, comic, and cartoon franchise, The Transformers.  Others might have been willing to accept it as a mindless (and oh boy is it ever!) action flick, but I could do little more than groan as the stars of the film, transforming robots from Cybertron, were relegated to special effects rather than fully thought-out characters.  Instead we get some lame story about a kid (Shai LaBeouf) hunting for his grandfather’s glasses and a bunch of actors playing soldier in the desert.  Bay delivers the bare minimum of explosions and eye-catching effects, with cheap laughs, but without a single interesting character or plot point.  The script and design is alienating and completely unconnected to any Transformer product which has preceded it.  This sure wasn’t made for fans.  The film is made for a new teen audience caring only for lame jokes (like Bumblebee taking a leak??) and watching the geek get the hot young girl (Megan Fox).  Thanks Michael Bay, you’ve turned The Transformers into Can’t Buy Me Love.

 

(read the full review)

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6. License to Wed

I almost combined Mandy Moore’s two films together into one spot on the list, but as they are equally awful I decided they both deserved their own mention.  License to Wed features Moore as a bride-to-be who attends a wedding preparation course with her fiance (John Krasinksi) led by a deranged preacher (Robin Williams) whose sole purpose is to destroy their relationship, cancel their marriage plans, and make them hate each other.  Why?  That’s a damn good question!  His back-assword reasoning is if they get back together after this then they are truly meant to be together?!  So let me get this straight, the film is about a minister who destroys peoples lives and happiness because he thinks it might (he has no idea if they will survive) improve their relationship?  This is one of the stupidest ideas for a movie EVER!  The stupidity of the plot is only outdone by the preposterous ending where the characters thank the priest for trying to destroy their lives!  Aside from the usual Williams zaniness, which does deliver one or two laughs, there is nothing here but disaster and pain (for the audience, that is).

 

(read December’s review)

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5. Because I Said So

Not satisfied with putting out one stupetifyingly insipid romcom a year Mandy Moore, this time with the help of Diane Keaton, Tom Everett Scott, Gabriel Macht, and Piper Perabo, earns a second spot on the list.  Lifetime for Women was never this bad.  The story involves an over-bearing and controlling mother (Keaton) cutely forcing men on her youngest daughter (Moore) by placing ads online for her.  Unless you’ve got ovaries, or are legally brain-dead, this film is worse than Chinese water torture; it’s a chick flick on steroids.  Disaster is the best word to describe this film which makes little sense and will give you even less enjoyment.  The actors are cute, the situations are the stuff of your basic dumb romcom, and there isn’t a single genuine moment, emotion, performance, or laugh anywhere in its excruciatingly long 102 day (I mean minute, it just felt like days) running time.  Unlike License to Wed which at least gave you some Robin Williams to take the sting off, there’s no antiseptic for this one.  This film is painful to watch.

 

(read the full review)

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4. Norbit

Just how bad was this film?  It cost Eddie Murphy an Oscar, that’s how bad.  Murphy seemed on the fast track last year for an Academy Award for Dreamgirls before voters heard about his next project, Norbit, and realized they couldn’t give out an award to anyone foolish enough to make this piece of shit.  Murphy shows up in multiple roles here as both the timid title character and his ridiculous wife, Rasputia.  By the way, the name Rasputia is about the only funny joke in the film (I just saved you a DVD rent fee).  I didn’t think it was possible to make a full-feature film based on one fat joke but Murphy (who also co-wrote the film) finds a way to do it.  That’s an achievement, sure its akin to shoving more ants up your nose than anyone ever has before, but its still an achievement.  Sadly most of the jokes fall flat and this one-joke wonder runs out of steam almost before it starts.  In a career that includes Beverly Hills Cop III, Daddy Day Care, Metro, Boomerang, and Another 48 Hrs., Norbit ranks as one of his biggest mistakes.

 

(read the full review)

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3. The Reaping

Now it’s usually a good idea not to expect too much from a horror flick, but when it presents itself as an intelligent thriller and stars an Academy Award winning actress (Hilary Swank) you expect the film to be at least watchable.  In The Reaping Swank stars as a debunker of religious phenomena who winds up in a southern town which is really going to Hell.  Literally.  We get locusts, frogs, rivers of blood, dying livestock, and more – all of it as bland as a Republican Presidential debate.  From here the film follows the predictable formula of the unbeliever finding the faith and power to stop the evil, yada, yada, yada.  For a film which puts the entire fate of the world in jeopardy it is one frightful bore.  With this film Hollywood may have found a cure for insomnia.  Full of inexplicable plot twists and bad, bad writing there’s nothing here to enjoy.  And casting serious actors into a cheesefest like this only makes it more tedious and unbearable, where at least with unknowns it could be laughed off.  Of all the disasters and curses shown the in film, none manage to be as awful as the film itself.

 

(read the full review)

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2. September Dawn

What’s worse than a tedious horror flick?  How about a tedious, religiously intolerant, distasteful, and bigoted film inspired by a true story.  If you stay away from indie cinema you will have thankfully missed this turkey.  And if you like independent films you probably won’t after watching this one.  September Dawn tells the tale of the Mountain Meadows massacre where wagon train settlers were killed in the Utah territory by some of the most bloodthirsty and cowardly Mormons ever captured on film.  Filled with laughable dialogue, inept acting, overall hamminess, and savage Mormons, the film would be a laugh-riot if it wasn’t so damn despicable.  More like a big budget TV movie than a feature film September Dawn comes of as terrible at best, and the worst type of insensitive stylized propaganda at worst.  It’s one of those films only the people who have seen it can understand just how gut-wrenchingly awful it truly is.  In trying to create a film exploring fanaticism writer/director Christopher comes off as a fanatic himself, and a poor man’s Uwe Boll.

 

(read the full review)

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1. The Condemned

Usually it’s hard to pick the worst film of the year.  As I look back I can usually find two or three no-star blunders fighting for the coveted place at the top of the list.  This year there was only one.  As bad as everything on this list has been so far, here is, without question or rival, the worst film of 2007 – The Condemned.  Cast with thespians who include former pro wrestlers, strongmen, and footballers the film epitomizes, in every way, the essence of a truly horrible film.  Bad acting, horrible script, atrocious camera work, an ending you’ll see coming miles away, and an unapologetic brutality, make this not only a bad film, but an unforgivable one.  It’s as poorly and unprofessional a film as you are likely to see outside an elementary school student film festival.  Given the film star (Stone Cold Steve Austin) I’m sure the filmmakers (sorry can’t use that word to describe these people) assholes in charge believed the main audience for this was wrestling fans, I guess they simply decided they didn’t need to put forth any effort to make the film better a sharp kick in the nuts (it’s actually worse!).

 

(read the full review)

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I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly; but if you think you can handle the shit that flowed this year in movies, pinch your nose, say your prayers and click below.

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2007 was a terrible year.  There were political assassinations, threats of an unnecessary war and, to top it all off, the following five movies.  While lawmakers decided to take the year off from taking global warming seriously, the studio heads were hard at work every day trying to find the next crappy film to flood theaters with – and in that respect, they were unbelievably successful.  Join me, won’t you, and let us celebrate just a few more reasons why life sucks.

But before we get started, because I’m an equal opportunity complainer, I’d like to mention some other crappolas that just missed the cut.  Can you imagine the bliss that would be life without the made-for-kids, and seemingly by-kids summer movie Daddy Day Camp?  What about Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, a franchise that for whatever reason, just decided to stop being even slightly cool?  And who could forget Aliens vs Predator – Requiem, a movie so dumb, it’s an insult to the intelligence of its audience?

5 – Shrek the Third: Hey, do you remember that movie Shrek that came out six years ago?  Remember how it was funny?  Just hold onto that memory and don’t let go, because if you try to relive the fun of that movie with its second sequel, your body might trigger blindness in your eyes to defend itself from this offensively dull family picture.  It’s like they don’t even try with these movies anymore, like the producers just gave a couple second-rate Sitcom writers a bag of skittles to pen thing, because they knew their wallets would get green stains no matter how much the movie sucked dolphin dick.  And boy, were they right.

4 – Blood and Chocolate: I named Underworld: Evolution the third worst movie of 2006, so it shouldn’t be much of surprise to find out that Blood and Chocolate, little more than cheap knock-off of that franchise, is just as stinky.  Actually, I’ll throw a couple more points towards this newer film for not being 70% crappy action scenes like that older one, but the void of action in Blood and Chocolate only means that we get a lot more bland dialogue, acting and other features of the film that make a root canal sound surprisingly relaxing in comparison.

3 – Perfect Stranger: I don’t have a problem with feminism, but what I do have a problem with is when a shallow girl-power message replaces the plot, logic and just about anything else a narrative requires in a movie.  Therefore, I have a problem with the Halle Berry movie Perfect Stranger, a supposed thriller that makes nice with every cliché in the genre and thinks of itself as a gritty, serous and dangerous film.  I already pretty much beat this picture to death in my review from April, so I’ll just let that do the talking here.

2 – I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry: Few traits are more annoying or immoral in a person than hypocrisy, and why should it be any less aggravating when that trait is in a movie?  I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry is supposed to be a comedy that bashes gay-bashers and promotes tolerance.  But instead of fixing the problems of homophobia, the movie only advances it.  For every time Adam Sandler or Kevin James scream at a homophobe, there’s another scene full of gay stereotypes that must have been written by people without any idea that – get this – being gay doesn’t mean you have a lisp and make bad pop culture references.  The closest the writers have gotten to a gay person must have been a few episodes of Will & Grace.  To give you an idea of how bad it gets, there are two characters who literally have no other purpose in the movie other than to act hilariously gay.  Yeah.  I’m convinced that someday, people will look back on this supposedly tolerant film with the same attitude that we have for Gone With the Wind today.

1 – D-War (Dragon Wars):  Before I begin to trash this action movie, let me say that I seriously considered putting this movie on my best of the year list because, if nothing else, it was certainly the best movie-going experience of my life.  I walked into the theater actually expecting something cool – I knew it wasn’t going to be anything as awesome as The Host, but I figured that they import bring a South Korean movie unless had some cool actions scenes.

I’m going to go ahead and mark that moment as the most wrong I will ever, ever be; because only my love for mind-blowingly stupid cinema kept me from quitting school and moving to D.C. and lobbying for a war on the Asian nation seventy hours a week.  I had a hard time figuring out what the story was, what with the laughter that almost constantly filled the theater; but here’s what I think it’s about – there are these dragons that come to Earth every few centuries.  And this time, one of them is really pissed off.  And uh, he needs to eat this girl so he can become a Super Sayin dragon, or some shit like that.  Conceived and written like a bad short story a fifth grader would write for English class, the dialogue and plot are a veritable encyclopedia of movie clichés and general stupidity.  The plot holes are so massive, they’re the equivalent of cinematic black holes.  I think that someday, when I retire and have more time than I know what to do with, I’m going to take on the enormous task of naming everything that’s wrong with this film; but with what time I have today, I’ll just say that I doubt I’ll ever see this crappy of a film in theaters.