por-nog-ra-phy: the depiction of acts in a sensational manner so as to arouse a quick intense emotional reaction; obscene writings, drawings, photographs, or the like, especially those having little or no artistic merit.

That’s right, kiddies, porno isn’t just videotape of people with enhanced body parts going at it like epileptic jackrabbits in a skeezy motel room with synthesized elevator music playing in the background. Pornography is the 187 minutes of masturbatory CGI shenanigans I just had to endure, courtesy of one of my used-to-be favorite film-makers, Peter “I Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Editor” Jackson. The movie is way too long, the plot is wafer thin, and there was so much action constantly raping my eyes that now I have to hit myself in the face with a hammer just to know that I’m still alive. A little extreme? Well, that’s what this movie is. Extreme to the max!

King Long
1 Star

por-nog-ra-phy: the depiction of acts in a sensational manner so as to arouse a quick intense emotional reaction; obscene writings, drawings, photographs, or the like, especially those having little or no artistic merit.

That’s right, kiddies, porno isn’t just videotape of people with enhanced body parts going at it like epileptic jackrabbits in a skeezy motel room with synthesized elevator music playing in the background. Pornography is the 187 minutes of masturbatory CGI shenanigans I just had to endure, courtesy of one of my used-to-be favorite film-makers, Mr. Peter Jackson. Making The Lord of the Rings has gone to his head, and this over-board, over-done, over-the-top monstrosity of a “vanity project” has shown us yet another example of what happens to movies when too much money and power are thrown at a filmmaker.

After the critical and popular success of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, it’s easy to anticipate a critical backlash for the works of Jackson. But really, I’m not backlashing; I like the man’s movies and I personally think that the Rings films were, although a bit too long, a great achievement in cinema.

King Kong, however, is just a big three hour wank.

It’s way too long and over-indulgent and doesn’t contain anything of value to make those things even tolerable. The script is cliche-ridden. The characters are not well developed. The plot is thinly stretched over its three hour running time and padded with needless effects, most of which aren’t even executed very well. There is simply no need for the movie to be so long.

The worst thing about Kong is that there’s so much action going on that it actually becomes boring. It really numbed the hell out of me with countless scenes of people running, fighting creepy-crawlies, dinosaurs and Kong tearing shit up and throwing people around, and more running and fighting. Hell, by the time Kong gets to New York and starts smashing up buildings and cars, I was too numb to care. By that point I felt like I had spent the last nine years tied up in the galley of their boat being raped by pirates. See? Peter Jackson’s over-indulgence is rubbing off on me!

Jackson has said that King Kong is a movie that he has wanted to remake forever, so this is really a vanity project for him. Well, it seems like if any truly good filmmaker made a movie mainly for himself it would be better than this. King Kong contains so many pandering, obviously crowd-pleasing moments that making some dough had to have been on his mind. Or maybe Peter Jackson really isn’t that good of a film-maker after all. Maybe this piece of shit is very close to his heart… a heart hardened by money and fame!!!

There were some moments that were charming and entertaining, but those were engulfed by the sheer enormity of the action. On the plus side, Naomi Watts is really pretty good, and it’s nice to see Kyle Chandler in a high-profile flick. Jack Black actually pulls off not being a total buffoon in the movie, even though his character turns into a real unsympathetic schmuck by the middle. But why oh why do we have to have another one of those annoying young man characters who’s always trying to prove himself to the adults? Didn’t we get enough of that in the last Matrix movie? I guess not since I didn’t see any other moviegoers in the audience puking anytime Jimmy (Jamie Bell of Billy Elliot fame) appeared on the screen.

King Kong will probably have hordes of audiences happily laying down their cash at the box office and telling their friends and neighbors that it’s the best damn thing since the invention of the cell phone. So I guess it’s up to us here at Razorfine to crap all over it for all you sickies that read our reviews and really should know better than to support such misguided and pornographic movie-making anyway. If you want porno go rent Butt Sluts 17 and wank yourself off. You don’t need Peter Jackson doing that for you.

Just to ruffle a few feathers with my fellow Razorfine critics (and give you a different perspective), I’m going to try to take the high ground and be positive. Which wont be easy given the film is way too long, and there are massive issues with construction, characters, plot, story, and well….hell just about everything. But let’s not forget that this film is make believe, and was created to entertain the masses.  And folks, critics are not the masses. We have become overbearing and extremely judgmental in our movie going experiences, and see things for what they really are instead of the fantasy world this type of entertainment is made for. 

People will hate the fact that it takes roughly an hour to see Kong, and they have to spend so much time getting to know characters that they don’t give a shit about (nor will they).  They want Kong.  Jackson, what is wrong with you?  People want 10 maybe 20 minutes of character building and then you need to give them the juice. Audiences are going to drool, squirm, eek, scream and jump at every monster that pops out and either crushes, devoirs or decapitates the ship’s crew. The audience won’t notice Kong comes in various sizes, or that his face never quite matches up. They won’t catch on to a New York playwright becoming a master of the jungle and conquers all odds to save the girl only to get back to the ship in 10 minutes. And really, who is going to see the vast difference in the CGI quality Jurassic Park has over Kong in the dinosaur scenes?

King Kong
2 Stars

It’s sad to think that this was Jackson’s dream, and that even after 3 hours and 11 minutes he still came up short, but don’t be shocked if it gets considered for some form of Hollywood glamour award; it’s big, it’s long, it’s Kong.

King Kong gives an award winning performance (accompanied by some great facial expressions), and Naomi Watts, as the beautiful Ann Darrow, pulls off fairly impressive moves against a blue screen (not to mention a make believe leading man). As for the rest of the film’s talent, who cares? Jack Black plays the self-indulgent film producer, Carl Denham, who looses his touch on reality halfway through.  There’s also Adrian Brody as master of the jungle and stud playwright Jack Driscoll, and Thomas Kretschmann as the ever hero Captain Englehorn; they were in The Pianist, what else do you need to know? Everyone else gets crushed, except Colin Hanks who plays Carl’s assistant and Jamie Bell as the little boy with a big heart; consensus says he should have died.

Most of the CGI stuff works, but when it doesn’t work it really doesn’t work.  Pole-vaulting(!) natives, a multitude of dinosaurs and a few aspects of Kong’s physical build and face to name a few of the other computer generated moments that go awry. However, costuming and the set design for New York during The Great Depression is quite impressive.

To sum King Kong up in 3 sections would be quite easy. Section1 is long and boring: meet the characters, check the plot and wait for Kong. Section 2 is the Skull Island adventure:, natives more scary than a massive attack of creepy crawlers, freakish vampire bats, and more action than you can shake a tree full of shipmates at. Section 3 back to the city: Kong is lovelorn and Ann, in an effort to save the poor beast, climbs the Empire State Building in heels and screams at planes. The End.

 

King Kong is what it is: 3 hours of fantasy entertainment that could have easily been cut down to 2. Rest assure with that running time you’re at least getting your money’s worth.