Wax on, Wax off

  • Title: House of Wax
  • IMDb: link

All in all, House of Wax is a better class of stupid-but-fun horror romps. Characters are dispatched in inventive (and cringe-inducing) ways, and director Jaume Serra doesn’t pretend to be making a landmark suspense film. Rather than bombard you with crappy music that telegraphs every scare, the film uses its score with no small degree of style by randomly giving you silence and music, so that you don’t know what’s going to happen. It worked well enough to make me jump more than once, and that’s no mean feat.

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Where is My Mind?

  • Title: Mindhunters
  • IMDb: link

To say that the twists and turns of Mindhunter’s plot are contrived would be akin to describing a river of lava as mildly tepid, and the film’s ending isn’t so much a twist as it is a final twist of the cinematic shiv Harlin has assaulted your brain with.  Even a sub-par mystery can be redeemed by a good premise and inventive staging, but Mindhunters carries all the mystique and suspense of a circled Where’s Waldo? Comic.  The experience of watching this movie could be no more horrendous had the zombie corpse of Ed Wood risen from the grave to deliver a series of groin kicks directly to your soul.

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Monster-In-Law

  • Title: Monster-In-Law
  • IMDb: link

The truth be told, I had a great time watching this film against all expectations. Enough so that it made me wonder how many great performances we’ve missed from Jane Fonda due to her 15 year acting hiatus. If Monster-In-Law is any indication, she’s got more than a handful left in her and I for one hope she’s given the chance to prove it.

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Alone in the Dark

Released on DVD May 10He failed with bringing Sega videogame House of the Dead to the big screen, but hopefully director Uwe Boll finished his career with Alone in the Dark, yet another video game adaptation. This film is scary only on the bases that the studio thinks you should pay to see this horribly stupid catastrophy. What’s scarier yet is that I did pay to see it in the theater and now I am suffering through the DVD version; what I will sacrifice for our public. If this gives you any idea what you are in for, the film’s perspective is shared by the special effects coordinator John Sleep, who was responsible for the special effects on House of the Dead, Scary Movie 3 and Catwoman. I must say that those were pretty stellar films, NOT.

Alone in the Dark
Negative Stars

I must warn you that besides Uwe Boll and John Sleep with their proven bad taste, the film shares a crew with House of the Dead including producers, cinematographer, production designer, and art director; oh yes, you are in for a true treat here.

Any film that adds a pair of dark rimmed glasses to Tara Reid and assumes instant intelligent anthropologist, has serious issues. Tara Reid has one talent and one talent only, she looks hot to guys and drives women absolutely crazy. However, there is a couple of small perks to experiencing this close to crap film phenomenon and that is both Stephen Dorff and Christian Slater, not the best actors in the world, but certainly not bad to look at. Hey, they even figured out how to fit a sex scene in, Stephen and Christian were really hot in it, gotcha, the scene was between Tara and Christian. Yes, it was a little weird fitting in a love scene amongst monsters splattering humans in half and bullets blazing in the dark, but it was a necessary weakness.

That’s right I said it: bullets blazing. It was quite funny to see these weird demons of hell show up and not even 15 minutes later the Special Ops team, 7-13, would come crashing through the windows, heavy metal cued and fiery blazes of bullets sneaking past everybody only to hit the creatures. I am surprised that everybody didn’t get flattened by the stream of random ammo fire. Everything about this film failed, the premise, the acting, the style, all of it failed so bad that I must refer to the studios brief synopsis to explain the horror of yet another failed video game film.

You wake up in the middle of the night with the feeling someone is in the room with you. You get a flash of panic as you fumble for your bedside lamp. But when you turn on the light, no one is there.

“You wake up in the middle of the night with the feeling someone is in the room with you. You get a flash of panic as you fumble for your bedside lamp. But when you turn on the light, no one is there.”

“You might feel safe…but just because you can’t see something doesn’t mean it’s not there. Watching. Waiting. Existing at the fragile boundaries of our perception. There is a world around us, a world most of us never see – or never want to see.”

“As a child, Edward Carnby was given irrefutable proof of that world. He hasn’t slept well since. Now, twenty years later, Edward is a paranormal investigator. When the irrational and the inexplicable become undeniable, he is there. He is not out to change your mind. But he may be the only one who can save your life.”

“Now, the greatest mystery of Edward’s past is about to become the most dangerous case he has ever faced. Nineteen people have disappeared, and they have only one thing in common – each one grew up in the same orphanage as Edward. Looking for answers, Edward learns that an ancient artifact of considerable power has been discovered in a long-lost shipwreck. Amidst mounting danger, he turns to Aline Cedrac, a brilliant anthropologist who’s also his ex-flame – and the only person he really trusts.”

“In a world of ancient evils, lost civilizations, shadowy government conspiracies, and deadly paranormal threats, Edward and Aline come together to confront a supernatural enemy unlike anything they’ve ever seen before…one whose very existence could threaten all of humankind.—© Lions Gate Films”

Wow, the studio was able to make it sound like a whole different film, I would love to see the one they just described above. I will give the film a fitting bonus to a different style of ending, it surely wasn’t expected. Oh, wait a moment, that same exact ending was on Resident Evil, sorry I tried to add something forgiving to this, but I couldn’t.

To sum this up, unless you are completely infatuated with really bad horror movies, a few low B-listed hot movie stars or enjoy DVDs just for the extras, DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME!

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Okay, you can panic a little

Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy is not without it’s charms and moments of inspired absurdity, but ultimately it fails to come together enough to feel like a complete film, and instead settles for rewarding the long-time fans with in-jokes, references, and nods to the original source material, as well as it’s various incarnations.  Part of that incompleteness is due to the film’s obvious aspirations to being a multi-part series, but mostly it lies in the source material itself.  Viewed as one long novelized comedy skit, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy works as a brilliant piece of absurdist satire, but as a film it might leave you feeling cheerful and amused, but still a little bit let down.

The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy
3 Stars

In the over 25 years of being a bestselling cult classic Douglas Adams’ book The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy has been adapted for every medium except film.  After languishing in Development Hell, and having been passed from director to direction, Adams’ classic is finally on the big screen.  With a script from the author himself (which had been completed before his untimely death in 2001), former music video director Garth Jennings has crafted an adaptation that fans will recognize as utterly Adams, but with entirely new characters, sub-plots, and relationships that may leave long time readers feeling a bit confused. 

The Cult Classic finally arrives

The convoluted history of Hitchhiker’s is one filled with almost never-ending revisions, additions, and complete re-writes of what came before, most of which required of the reader to hold an almost blind faith towards its creator’s intention and vision.  Originally created for a BBC radio comedy show, Adams continually tweaked and altered his creation so many times that even the Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide collection requires a substantial introduction to explain the various changes and permutations the cult classic has endured throughout it’s lifespan.  So it’s no surprise that the new film version features a good 35 minutes of material that was created specifically for the film by Adams himself. 

In what the filmmakers almost surely intend to be the first of a series of films, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy tells the story of the ultimate everyman, Arthur Dent (Martin Freeman).  A man continually befuddled and confused by the world around him, Arthur wakes up one day to find bulldozers ready to demolish his home in order to make way for a new bypass.  His day only gets worse from there as his best friend Ford Prefect (Mos Def) arrives to tell Arthur that, not only is Ford actually an alien from somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse, but that the Earth itself is set to be demolished in 12 minutes by a race out to create a new hyperspace lane.  Soon they’re bouncing across the galaxy with an on-the-run rock star styled President Zaphod Beeblebrox (Sam Rockwell), fellow human Trillian (Zooey Deschanel), and a manically depressed android (Alan Rickman) as they attempt to escape the ire of a race of ultimate bureaucrats while searching for the ultimate question of Life, The Universe, and Everything. 

With its absurdist Marx Brothers dialogue, distinctly British sensibility, and wild sense of high adventure, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy would seem like an easy transition to film, but there’s a reason it’s taken so long to actually get made.  Namely, there’s no real plot to the series, only breakneck paced episodes and (in what surely constitutes the majority of the text), the actual entries of the titular Guide itself.  So the idea that Adams and the filmmakers would create a wholly new plot, while strengthening the relationships of the characters should come as no surprise to those familiar with Adams’ less than reverential approach to his own work. 

So how does it work?  Only partially.  The Monty Python flavored opening sequence sets a standard that the film never really manages to reach.  In order to preserve the tone of the book, Jennings chose to make the Guide itself a sort of character, with various entries being read to the audience by the voice of the Guide (Stephen Fry), and displayed as a series of short animations.  These explanations are almost completely necessary to convey the mind-bending concepts of the Hitchhiker Universe, but only a few of the entries really connect, and the rest just stop the film in its tracks.  The character of Arthur Dent has been significantly beefed up from the novels (where he serves as sort of a dumbfounded substitute for the reader, only capable of reacting in stuttering gasps and complete befuddlement).  In the film, Dent is more of an active participant, out to find his place in the Universe and win the affections of Trillian, the adventurous girl he almost had, but lost to party crashing Beeblebrox.  And while Freeman’s portray of the constantly put upon everyman is absolutely spot on, the romantic comedy aspect of the film feels more like filler material than an essential element of the story, as do the newly created sub-plots and characters. 

Mos Def obviously had a lot of fun playing the Hunter S. Thompson-esque Guide writer Ford Prefect, and it’s almost impossible not to be infected by his madcap persona.  Sam Rockwell is perfectly cast as the completely deranged Beeblebrox, though flamboyant and egocentric madmen seem to be his stock in trade these days.  As the level headed Trillian, Zooey Deschanel makes it easy to understand why Arthur would be so hung up on her, but overall the film is completely stolen by Alan Rickman and Bill Nighy, whose Marvin the Paranoid Android and the world-designing Slartibartfast just ooze with easy brilliance perfectly suited to their roles and the spirit of Adams work. 

The design of the film is a clever mix of high-tech CGI and goofy costuming which works to give the movie a comfortable feel that should be easily recognizable and familiar to fans of British Sci-Fi.  The sets run from showroom floor clean (as befitting the newly christened ship Heart of Gold with which the main characters jet across the galaxy) to the lived in and grungy realism that George Lucas made work so well in the first Star Wars.  Jim Henson’s Creature Shop was responsible for the alien creations that pepper the film, which seems like an unlikely choice in an age where CGI characters are so readily available, but the design and execution of the various creatures lends the film a wonderful throwback quality that works in its favor.

Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy is not without it’s charms and moments of inspired absurdity, but ultimately it fails to come together enough to feel like a complete film, and instead settles for rewarding the long-time fans with in-jokes, references, and nods to the original source material, as well as it’s various incarnations.  Part of that incompleteness is due to the film’s obvious aspirations to being a multi-part series, but mostly it lies in the source material itself.  Viewed as one long novelized comedy skit, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy works as a brilliant piece of absurdist satire, but as a film it might leave you feeling cheerful and amused, but still a little bit let down.

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