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Less, Far Less, Than Meets the Eye

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: Transformers
  • IMDb: link

As a kid I had Transformers toys, I watched the television series without fail, and collected the original Marvel Comics Transformers series (all 80 issues and those lame cross-over mini-series too!).  So the fanboy in me was ecstatic when I learned that a live-action film of the comics, television show, and toys I grew up with was going to be attempted.  But when I heard that Michael Bay was going to head the project I felt less than thrilled.  Remember, this is from the guy who defended The Island, but I still doubted whether Bay could translate the stories of my youth to the big screen.  I shouldn’t have worried because he didn’t even try.  There isn’t a single recognizable moment from the Transformers of my childhood other than you’ve got robots that transform into objects and vehicles.  I am deeply saddened that Bay and his writers didn’t trust the source material and the original character designs and mythology choosing instead to throw out over twenty-years of history to do it their own way.  The result is less, far less, than meets the eye.

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DOA: Dead or Alive

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: DOA: Dead or Alive
  • IMDb: link

This movie’s got disaster written all over it.  The acting is average, the plot is ridiculous, and the dialogue will have you laughing and groaning.  But it does have beautiful, and scantily clad, young actresses, some nice sets and attractive scenery, and some pretty good stunts and wire work.  Fans of B-movies, and adolescent teens, might find a film that that can laugh-at and enjoy yourself while doing so.  Is it a good film?  Not really.  Is it a good time?  For the right audience, yes it is.

We’ve seen martial arts tournament flicks many times before.  Hell, Jean-Claude Van Damme made a career off them.  DOA isn’t a great film, in fact in many ways it’s quiet laughable and absurd, but it is an enjoyable experience that knows exactly what it and doesn’t try to be anything more.

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Pirates of the Caribbean: Trainwreck at World’s End

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
  • IMDB: link

“There was a time when a pirate was free to make his own way in the world, but our time is coming to an end.  Our enemies are united; they vow to destroy us.  The Pirate Lords from the four corners of the Earth must stand together.”

pirates-at-worlds-end-posterThe film begins, after a bizarre introduction about singing coins and eight pieces of nine (don’t ask) which is never satisfactorily explained, with Will (Orlando Bloom), Elizabeth (Keira Knightley), and Captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) in Singapore.
Their visit has two purposes.  The first is to gain the maps and ship necessary to travel to Davy Jone’s Locker and rescue Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp).  The second involves a poorly thought out, and even worse explained, plotline about a meeting of pirate lords, mysterious artifacts, and a goddess which Barbossa wants to use to fight back against Norrington’s (Jack Davenport) control of the seas.

After making a deal with Captain Sao Fang (Chow Yun-Fat) the group sails to rescue Jack (who doesn’t make his first appearance until more than 20 minutes into the film) who is lost in a bizarre land where he is haunted by mirror images of himself and stones which turn into crabs.

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Y’arr, She Blows

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
  • IMDB: link

I stand by my assessment that Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest was better than The Curse of the Black Pearl, and now I can say it was the best of the three Pirates films.  At World’s End is so clumsily and half-assedly assembled that it loses all of the fun its predecessors had, and fails to come up with a single justifiable excuse for wasting two hours and forty minutes.

Things pick up in this film pretty quickly after the end of Dead Man’s Chest, with the whole gang suddenly in Singapore asking a piratificated Chow Yun-Fat for a ship and a crew so that they might sail to Davy Jones’ Locker to retrieve Johnny Depp‘s Jack Sparrow.  Which got me thinking – how did they get to Singapore without a ship and crew?  That place is pretty far from the Caribbean from what I understand, and starting the movie with a plot hole that big is a pretty awful way to begin a film.

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TMNT

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: TMNT
  • IMDb: link

tmnt-poster

What was your introduction to the turtles?  Was it the, best forgetten, live-action films?  Or was it the late 80’s cartoon with their jokes, and commercial and toy tie-ins?  Or the recent Fox cartoon relaunch?  Or was it the slew of arcade and Nintendo games?  Or were you, like me, introduced to the foursome through the original pages of a black and white comic book Eastman and Laird’s Teenage Muntant Ninja Turtles?

I ask because whatever your vision of the turtles is will color how you view the film.  Fans of the games, the cartooons, and even the other films, may indeed be disappointed as the characters, for the most part, are stipped bare to more closely resemble the original creations.  It may surprise many, who keep refering to the “new look” of the film, which is anything but new.  It’s not a perfect film, but for a comic adaption to a series that had lost all credibility it’s as close to perfect as you can fit into a PG film.  The turtles have finally come home.

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