One-Half Razor

Charlie’s Angels – Angel With a Broken Wing

  • Title: Charlie’s Angels – Angel With a Broken Wing
  • tv.com: link

charlies-angels-tv-rebootWow, did that suck. I wasn’t expecting much from the reboot of the late 70’s show focused on three women working as private eyes for a mysterious unseen benefactor, but in the very least I expected it to be dumb fun.The original wasn’t Shakespeare but at least if felt competent. Sadly, neither of those words can be used to describe this version.

“Angel With a Broken Wing” may be one of the worst pilot episodes I’ve ever watched. The writing and dialogue is one step away from intentionally bad (and yet still painfully unfunny). And don’t even get me started on the acting. These young women might be able to act (hey, anything is possible) if given better material but I have a feeling we’ll never know (at least as long as this show stays on the air).

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Pride and Glory

  • Title: Pride and Glory
  • IMDB: link

Over the top acting, typical story line and a complete lack of moral high ground makes Pride and Glory absolutely painful to watch. You don’t give a shit about any one single character, not a one; the most enduring character is a wife dying of cancer. That’s right, a dying wife and interesting enough women were only window dressing in Pride and Glory. Chics don’t carry guns, they are not in the force and they certainly don’t have a brain, just drones that are completely clueless to the peril and damage their husbands are pressing on the poor elements of society.  Pride and Glory is way too long and exaggerates every stereotype from unlawful cops to the criminal element, way too much in one film.  It’s certainly nothing we haven’t seen before, not a single original thought or character.

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Save Yourself From September Dawn

  • Title: September Dawn
  • IMDb: link

September Dawn

What a horrible film.  The “true untold story” of the Mountain Meadows massacre is a blueprint for all future filmmakers on how not to make a film.  Filled with a heavy handed message, simplistic characters, insipid dialogue, religious intolerance, and a laughable love story, the script for this would have been better used as toilet paper.  From beginning to end September Dawn is a mess.

A wagon train of settlers are traveling west.  The good Christians making up the wagon train pass through the Utah Territory and come face to face with the vicious evil Mormons led by a diabolical Jacob Samuelson (Jon Voight) and lorded over by the emperor of evil Brigham Young (Terrence Stamp).  You remember the movies Hollywood used to make about evil bloodthirsty Indian savages?  Well Christopher Cain brings the style back using Mormons instead.

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Duum

  • Title: Doom
  • IMDb: link

DoomHey I got an idea, let’s take a first person shooter video game and make a movie out of it. Hmmm….I don’t know.  Yeah, and we’ll get I don’t know like Jean Claude Van Damme, or wait I know The Rock to shoot up a space station of zombies and aliens. I don’t know, sounds pretty dumb.  Hey, people shovel in dumb morning, noon and night and beg for more. Explosions is entetainin’, the movie can completely suck and they’ll still love it.  Hell go do what ever you want I need to sign Hillary Duff and the Olsen Twins to a new reality tv project.

Maybe that’s not how Doom got made, but sure seems likely to me. This is a terrible awful movie folks. I’ll make the same offer I’ve made before with movies this bad.  If you were planning to see this just give me your ten bucks and I’ll beat the crap out of you.  Trust me; it’s a much more humane solution. I know this is the part where I’m supposed to tell you what the film is about, so here goes…

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Stay Away

  • Title: Stay
  • IMDb: link

There seems to be a belief in Hollywood that if you make an incomprehensible film that looks pretty and add a twist ending that shocks the audience but doesn’t fulfill the needs of the movie to explain what is happening then you’ve met your obligation to the audience.  Stay is an unfathomable mess of a movie that meanders its way through flashbacks, reversals, timestops, and fancy camera tricks.  All well and good, but in the end the film has nothing to say.  It’s as if we’re watching a film student’s exercise in using different film and storytelling techniques, but the professor forgot to look over his script to see that there is no story there.  I went to see Doom on the same day I saw Stay and folks that’s enough to drive most people out of movie theaters for years.  I don’t mind taking one for the team now and then, but two in ten hours…well, I wouldn’t wish that on even my worst enemy—maybe Rob Schneider and Carrot Top.

There setup includes psychiatrist Sam Foster (Ewan McGreggor) treating a new suicidal patient named Henry Letham (Ryan Gosling).  Sam also has a girlfriend who once tried to commit suicide Lila (Naomi Watts) who he constantly worries about while he tries to find a way to stop Henry from doing the same thing.

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