1.5 Razors

Bad Movie

/ / Home Video
  • Title: Bad Teacher
  • IMDB: link

bad-teacher-dvdI like Cameron Diaz. I enjoyed Bad Santa. Hell, I even like Summer School. However, I don’t like all those ingredients thrown into a blender with the barest attempt at originality and the lack of any real laughs.

If you take Billy Bob Thornton‘s character from Bad Santa and put him into Mark Harmon‘s role from Summer School, then make him an aging blonde hottie obsessed with getting a boob job and tricking some rich dullard into marriage you have the script for Bad Teacher, not just the premise mind you, the entire script.

Writers Gene Stupnitsky and Lee Eisenberg (the comedic geniuses who are responsible for Year One) waste another talented cast by phoning in yet another suprisingly unfunny comedy. If you know how these guys continue to get work please let me know. (I’m guessing that must have some incriminating pictures of several studio heads.)

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The Savage Hawkman #1

/ / Comics

savage-hawkman-1-coverIn terms of convoluted history there are few who can stand toe-to-toe with Hawkman. The character has been rebooted so many times, each adding a unique spin from everything from a reincarnated Egyptian pharaoh to a space cop, it would be almost impossible to add anything new to the mix that would make less sense. And yet, writer Tony S. Daniel finds a way.

This issue is a mess in every sense of the word. We begin with a distraught Carter Hall actually shooting his costume with a gun in the middle of the forest in an attempt to kill his alter-ego. And that makes far more sense that what follows as Hall seems to become possessed by the Nth metal which generates from his body when he’s attacked by an alien artifact.

Artist Philip Tan gives us a couple of beautiful panels, including a nice reveal of Hawman, but for the most part the art is as jumbled as the story.

If you’ve always wanted Hawkman to be more like Witchblade then this is your comic. For everyone else, however, it’s a huge disappointment. Pass.

[DC, $2.99]

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Priest

/ / Home Video
  • Title: Priest
  • IMDB: link

priest-blurayIn the dystopian future ruled by the Church most of the world is a wasteland after centuries of battle between humans and vampires. The film opens with the last of these battles as the Church’s best warriors, known simply as Priests, set out to destroy the last hive of vampires. They are victorious, but only at the cost of losing one of their own (Karl Urban).

The film skips an undetermined amount of time into the future when the Priests have been disbanded and all vampires are believed dead. An attack on his brother’s home on the edge of the wasteland sends one Priest (Paul Bettany), against the Church’s orders on a hunt to rescue his niece (Lily Collins).

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One Day

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: One Day
  • IMDB: link

One Day is the type of movie that women are likely to enjoy far more than men. It has two likable stars, is less clumsy (in spots) than most romantic comedies, and wants desperately to be better on-screen than it is on the printed page. Sadly, the movie is nothing more, or less, than a romance novel put to screen.

At its best, One Day an intriguing idea with two charming leads, at its worst the movie is predictable and tawdry. The set-up is simple: We see two friends, who (shockingly!) should be more, over the course of a couple of decades, but only on a single day – the 15th of July. Sometimes they are together, sometimes they are apart, but it seems they are always thinking of one another.

Anne Hathaway is the smart girl (i.e. glasses, no makeup and bad hair – until she “miraculously” blooms into a beautiful young woman) who is too good for her rich, spoiled friend (Jim Sturgess) whom she truly loves. In the same way Emma fancies him, Dexter wants more from the relationship but isn’t ready to grow up enough to deserve her.

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Season of the Witch

/ / Home Video
  • Title: Season of the Witch
  • IMDB: link

season-of-the-witch-blu-rayTwo Teutonic Knights (Nicolas Cage, Ron Perlman) who have grown weary of killing innocents and become deserters of the Crusades are given the chance to redeem themselves by transporting an accused witch (Claire Foy) to a far away monastery. The accused is charged with spreading the Black Death across the world.

Along for the ride are a priest (Stephen Campbell Moore), a knight (Ulrich Thomsen), an altar boy (Robert Sheehan) and a swindler (Stephen Graham) as their guide.

There are good Nic Cage films, silly but passable ones, and plenty of gawdawful crap. Season of the Witch fits in the last category. The nature of the witch is given away far too soon, and the twist of the true nature of her evil will seems nothing more than a forced attempt to raise the stakes of a film you’ve given up on long before its climax.

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