January 2006

There was plenty of films from 2005 for the worst of list, but I was able to come up with the worse 10.

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How sad is that, it was much easier to pick out the nasty little gems from last year than to list the best of films? The list below is in no specific order, they suck equally!

The Pacifier: Vin Diesel can be seen in many films and usually he’s very stoic, but in The Pacifier he’s the babysitter. The Pacifier is completely brainless for the family. Very similar to Kindergarten Cop, The Pacifier holds bar to Arnold and the senseless humor. Vin plays the stud who can kick butt, swim like a shark, and live off the land with some army rations, but can’t change a diaper. He truly did not have to do any acting, all he had to do is stand there and let the kids react to him. The site says that The Pacifier is “James Bond Meets Mary Poppins”, more like James Bond becomes Mr. Mom. Every worse case G-rated scenario that could happen does, baby vomit, baby poo, teenage girl problems, teenage boy problems, and the little girl with all the questions. Very surprising that the creators left out any drug, alcohol and sex related issues, but that may have turned the film into PG-13.

The Brothers Grimm: Director Terry Gilliam (Time Bandits, Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas, & The Fisher King) has lost his touch after 7 years. Fans will be amused, but a bit disappointed. Given, The Brothers Grimm, is quite eye catching and has some since of humor accompanied with some very very dark moments. When I say dark moments I mean, a little fluffy kitten in a meat grinder and the skinning of a rabbit in detail, all done with a twisted amount of humor of course. But Terry doesn’t give enough, maybe it has to do with being frustrated with corporate meddling and not having the freedom to really express himself.

The Cave: Spelunkers beware there are mutants down in those caves. Nothing to be frightened of here, The Cave fails to scare or even intrigue it’s viewers, the monsters are amateur looking and the acting is even worse. Dialogue becomes halfway comical at best and the sound and set design is pitiful; this film is one big stinker.

Herbie: Fully Loaded: No matter how many breast reductions they give Lindsay Lohan, this remake is one big failure.

Alone In The Dark: He failed with bringing Sega videogame House of the Dead to the big screen, but hopefully director Uwe Boll finished his career with Alone in the Dark, yet another video game adaptation. This film is scary only on the bases that the studio thinks you should pay to see this horribly stupid catastrophy. What’s scarier yet is that I did pay to see it in the theater and now I am suffering through the DVD version; what I will sacrifice for our public. If this gives you any idea what you are in for, the film’s perspective is shared by the special effects coordinator John Sleep, who was responsible for the special effects on House of the Dead, Scary Movie 3 and Catwoman. I must say that those were pretty stellar films, NOT.

Alexander: Alexander the Great, what a great disappointment. If you are going to want something bad enough to have been thinking and planning for most of your life to make it (almost 32 years), then try not making it a complete disaster and an epic bore. Another suggestion would be to not go on a five year break and then come back and make a huge flop. Don’t take such an important piece of well studied history and turn it into 3 hours of bad casting and innuendos. Is the answer A.) B.) C.) or D.) all the above, what did Oliver Stone do wrong? A safe bet would be to pick D.) all the above. Where to start, everything in the film was so wrong and did not fit.

Boogeyman: Who was not afraid of the Boogeyman? I was scared to death of him so much that my feet never touched the ground in front of my bed and not one single door in my room was left ajar. Sadly to say I was not too afraid of this Boogeyman, it just didn’t spook like it should. It is PG-13 so it is targeted more towards the younger group of movie goers and they may find this to be a jumper. It wasn’t bad to watch just to see hottie Barry Watson, but that was the only benefit I found. Boogeyman does keep you in suspense in the fashion of keeping the creature from prying eyes through out most of the film, it does add a bit of spook factor to not seeing what Barry’s character is so afraid of. A different take from slash and gore films, but could have been a great deal scarier.

Doom: Doom gives us the basic scare tactics with an unoriginal opening, unseen creature slaughtering the scientists in a research station on Mars, never seen anything like that before. The RRTS, Rapid Response Tactical Squad, I’m not too sure about the rapid part, composed of some quite entertaining character names like Goat, Destroyer, Pinky and The Kid, are called in to save the day. Still looking for something different, maybe a little twist or some type of originality? I am too, but don’t hold your breath, it’s not coming. Here is a little insight; did you know you could get to Mars by a portal in the Nevada desert? The iron marine crew shows up and locks down then spend the next 60 minutes or so slugging around endless firepower and getting killed.

Dark Water: Dark Water, that’s funny, this film is more like Murky Water. All I could think was, this film is such a drip. The Hollywood Machine pulled off recreating a Japanese horror once with The Ring, but it’s time to give it up and move on. Jennifer Connelly looked absolutely ill, which may have been the whole purpose to her character, but come on eat a sandwich and start rethinking some of your career moves Jen. Dark Water had one promising attribute and that was John C. Reilly, he played the conning super who sold the apartment to Jennifer’s character and would do nothing to fix the black water dripping from her ceiling or clean the place up. Not knowing the daughter is becoming possessed all along by a little girl that was abandon and had drowned up stairs, she kept living there thinking that maybe she herself was loosing it. I waited for that one scary moment, but it never came and what was even worse, the ending didn’t either. When the film ended, the director and editing team set us up for a 3 weeks later segment; what, three weeks later, can’t we just end this torture and get out of here. If you’re looking for something to keep you on your toes and entertain, then Dark Water is nowhere near the film for you.

Elektra: Jennifer I suggest you stick with the men that helps you move up the later like your co-star from Alias, or easier yet, stick with Alias and cutesy teeny bopper films. Elektra is a pathetic attempt to an already pathetic attempt with Dare Devil and Ben Affleck.

As I thought upon my Top 10 Films of 2005 list, I was struck by the fact that the most prevalent theme in movies this year was about exploring the consequences of our actions.  Sure it’s easy to see that trend in movies like Brokeback Mountain, Munich, or A History of Violence, but even the big popcorn flicks (as well as some surprising little gems) spent some time showing the effects of crossing those moral and ethical lines we’ve set for ourselves.  It’s been a long time since Hollywood had any kind of unifying theme to it’s releases, though I must say I’m glad it looks like studios have realized that you can tell intelligent stories and still entertain.  So let’s take a gander at the best of 2005.

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As I thought upon my Top 10 Films of 2005 list, I was struck by the fact that the most prevalent theme in movies this year was about exploring the consequences of our actions.  Sure it’s easy to see that trend in movies like Brokeback Mountain, Munich, or A History of Violence, but even the big popcorn flicks (as well as some surprising little gems) spent some time showing the effects of crossing those moral and ethical lines we’ve set for ourselves.  It’s been a long time since Hollywood had any kind of unifying theme to it’s releases, though I must say I’m glad it looks like studios have realized that you can tell intelligent stories and still entertain.  So let’s take a gander at the best of 2005.

10) Murderball:
Easily one of the most entertaining documentaries in years, Murderball tells the story of the most badass sports team you’ve never heard of: the American Wheelchair Rugby team.  You read that correctly.  Wheelchair rugby.  And it’s as brutal as the nickname ‘Murderball’ implies.  These guys are seriously tough, and this frank and open look at their lives is a fascinating peek at a world most of us will never know.

09) Broken Flowers:
You’d think anything starring Bill Murray and Jeffrey Wright would be an automatic Top 5 entry, but for all it’s charms Broken Flower is sparse enough to push it towards the bottom of the list.  Don’t be fooled by it’s low placement, however.  It’s a an excellent character piece with some truly amazing performances from it’s leads and the supporting cast.  Murray plays a self-isolated man who may or may not have fathered a son 17years ago.  Convinced by his wanna-be detective neighbor (Wright), Murray’s aging Lothario embarks on a journey that finds him catching up with his old flames and finding out that he’s the only one who hasn’t really moved forward.  It’s cinematic minimalism at it’s best, and it’s a great study of a man who knows he can’t fill a void he’s created.

08. Batman Begins:
Consider this my obligatory fan-boy entry, but make no mistake: Batman Begins has a lot going for it.  Christopher Nolan took the Bat franchise back to it’s roots, but with enough twist to keep it fresh and engaging. Christian Bale absolutely owns the character of Bruce Wayne (though I’ll admit he’s given short shift once the suit shows up), and overall it’s an entertaining comic book romp with more smarts than I expected.  The biggest (and best) chunk of the film focuses solely on Wayne and the inner demons that drive him to weat a funny hat and a cape, and never has the man behind the mask been more interesting.  An uneven last act kills any top 5 chances this film had (I’d have been estastic had the fabled bat suit not shown up until the last 10 minutes), but still one of the better popcorn films this summer and waaaaay more enjoyable than Lucas’s sad wrap up of the Star Wars series.

07. Oldboy
Technically this Korean film was released in 2003, but it just hit American theaters this past Spring.  Oldboy (The second entry in Chan-wook Park’s Vengeance trilogy) is a movie that redefines what can be considered a WTF? plot twist.  You’d think a film that tells the story of a man kidnapped off the street and confined to an apartment for 15 years only to be unceremoniously released by his anonymous captors might not have many surprises left, but damn would you be wrong.  A serious powerhouse performance by Min-sik Choi as a man with nothing left to live for except revenge is icing on a very violent cake.  In addition to the most eff’d up ending of all time, Oldboy boasts one of the best (and most realistic) brawl scenes you’ll ever see.  It’s out on DVD now so go rent this movie, but be prepared to take a very long shower afterwards.

06. Transamerica
This little film tells the story of a pre-op man-to-woman transexual who’s travelling across the country in the company of his/her newly discovered son.  It sounds like a gimmick movie just begging for an Oscar, but Felicity Huffman’s absolutely incredible lead performance elevates this not-so-simple road movie into truly powerful cinema.  Were that performance taken away, I’m not sure the remainder would warrant inclusion on any best of lists, but the barely recognizable Huffman really takes this film to the next level.

05. History of Violence
David Cronenberg stepped out of the fringe genres he’s helped create to take a just-shy-of-mainstream stab at this tale of a man forced into violence and the effect it has on his family.  Viggo Morgensten was a great choice to play the man who may or may not be the small town family man he appears to be, and Maria Bello (who was my second choice for Best Actress. Screw you Golden Globes and your best supporting nod) does an amazing turn as a wife coming to realize she doesn’t really know this man she’s made a life with.  Cronengberg plays both sides of the fence in this one by showing us just how damaging a single act of violence can be, while simultaneously reveling in that violence’s horrific effect on the human body.  History of Violence is a great reminder that a good deal of our favorite genre filmmakers are excellent directors in their own right, no matter what their subject matter may be.

04. Good Night & Good Luck
George Clooney’s second directorial debut echoes the outspoken star’s take on media and politics by tackling Edward R. Murrow’s very public fight against Sen. Joseph McCartney and his HUAC cronies.  Leaving aside the story for a second, I want to emphasize how beautifully made this film was.  Lush black and white photography, a set that perfectly recreated the CBS news room offices, and note-perfect mix of archival and recreated footage really showcase Clooney’s eye for quality cinema.  He was very seriously on my short list for Best Director this year, and it took guys like Ang Lee and Spielberg to knock him out of the running.  But let’s not overlook David Straithairn’s fantastic turn as Murrow.  His laconic voice and delivery were just perfect, as was the rest of this fantastic ensemble cast. Ray Wise, Frank Langella, Robert Downey Jr, and Patricia Clarkson, and Clooney himself round out this well executed powerhouse of a drama, and while it may take place in the early 50’s, it’s a message that’s all too relevant today.

03. Syriana
This sprawling look at Amercan interests in the Middle East comes from Stephen Gaghan, who penned the screenplay for the similarly sprawling (if more flawed) Traffic.  Based off of former CIA agent Robert Baer’s accounts in “See No Evil”, Syriana examines our actions in the oil industry from multiple levels, from the Washington power brokers who make the deals to the behind the scenes players who make them happen, to the anonymous workers of the oil fields themselves.  It’s a film that refuses to dumb down or compromise, instead asking the viewer to pay close attention to every little detail in order to fully understand what’s being portrayed.  If any film demanded you already have a small understanding of how our government truly works, it’s Syriana, but even those unaware can get sucked in.  This is the second Clooney flavored entry on this list, and it’s similarly an excellent ensemble cast with Clooney, Jeffrey Wright, Christopher Plummer, Matt Damon, Andrew Siddig, and Chris Cooper topping off it’s impressive credits.  It’s less clear a message than Good Night & Good Luck, but it’s similarly a message film that works without resorting to Michael Moore-ish tactics.

02. Brokeback Mountain
I’m personally sick of a the jokes this film is generating, if for no other reason that they usually reflect the maker’s unfamiliarity with the film itself.  Ang Lee (working from a Larry McMurtry script) turns in the year’s most gorgeously shot film, along with some incredible performances from Heath Ledger, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Michelle Williams.  While it’s true that this is a film about two men who desperately want to be together at it’s heart it’s a story about desire and circumstance, and what happens when we repress our most powerful emotions.  As a love story it’s universal.  Thematically it’s most similar to Wong Kar Wei’s excellent ‘In the Mood for Love’, as both are stories of people trapped by social convention and circustances which keep them from pursuing what they truly want.

01. Munich
Spielberg isn’t known for fast turnaround, and the idea that he got this movie shot, cut, and released in about half a year is just jawdropping.  Perhaps the rushed production schedule helped shave off those prologues/epilogues that often contain Spielberg’s worst missteps, but regardless of how it came to be, Munich is very simply (and quite easily) the best film of the year.  Another period piece with powerful echos of current events, this telling of the aftermath of the 1970 abduction and killing of 11 Israeli atheletes explores the concept of vengeance from the perspective of the mean tasked with carrying it out.  Eric Bana (in a performance I personally think is the best of the year) heads up yet another stellar cast as the leader of a deep-cover group of Mossad agents whose only goal is to kill every one responsible for the Munich attack.  Eager to prove himself worthy of his hero father’s name, Bana jumps willingly into the moral abyss of political vengeance, and it’s through his experiences that we can understand the human cost of retribution.  The performance alone is worth the ticket price, but along the way Speilberg treats us to the most visually gritty film he’s ever made, which is stragely beautiful in a way only he can deliver.  What’s so amazing about this film is that it refuses to take sides, smartly claiming that violence will only perpetuate itself, no matter how righteous the cause.  For this Speilberg has taken no small amount of heat from just about everybody, but dammit he’s right, and someone needs to say so. 

I for one think this was a damn fine year for movies (even though the Spring was pretty dreadful), and with any luck the box office reciepts will put a fire under Hollywood’s pampered and self-entitled ass to recognize that films don’t have to be about explosions and fart jokes.  Your dollars going to those movies which rightfully deserve them will go a long way to driving that message home.  We live in an uncertain and turmultuous world, and sometimes we need films to remind us of the larger picture.  I’m pretty pleased with this year’s films all around, as coming up with this list wasn’t easy for all the choices out there.  For completion’s sake, here’s my Honorable Mentions: War of the Worlds, The Devil’s Rejects, Capote, Inside Deep Throat, and Hustle and Flow.