Horror

Meager Feast

  • Title: Feast
  • IMDb: link

feast-posterFeast will be remembered by those who caught the last season of Project Greenlight.  The brainchild of Matt Damon and Ben Affleck which gave an unknown filmmaker an opportunity to make a Hollywood film.  Against their collective will they were saddled with a horror script and did the only thing they could, they hired a stylish, out-of-the-box thinker, to direct.  The result isn’t actually a Feast, but, considering I thought I was going to starve, it might make a nice snack for some.

In the middle of nowhere a few locals sit around a bar until a stranger (Eric Dane) and his wife (Navi Rawat), on the run from monsters, break the monotony of their lives.  Something is out there, it’s hungry, and it’s coming this way.  This band of misfits will have to band together to survive.

The patrons include waitresses Honey Pie (Jenny Wade) and Tuffy (Krista Allen), and Tuffy’s pre-teen son Cody (Tyler Patrick Jones), the owner of the bar (Duane Whitaker), a dumb hick shit kicker (Balthazar Getty) and his wheelchair bound younger brother (Josh Zuckerman), out of work actor Jason Mewes (Jason Mewes), an old lady (Eileen Ryan), a middle-aged punk chick (Diane Goldner), a nitwit (Judah Friedlander), a bartender (Clu Gulager), and a traveling self-help speaker (Henry Rollins).

What good are these people?  Not much, but they sure will make some tasty monster food.  They are trapped in the small bar when a family of monsters come calling and you realize quite early that some are going to be just too stupid to survive.

What works?  Well there are several interesting shots from the stylish first time director, a few nice jokes from a pretty average script, and some unexpected twists on who gets eaten and who survives.  John Gulager comes off well as do his two family members that make the cut – Clu Gulager (his father) and Goldner (his girlfriend).  Most of the cast do what they can with the script.  Krista Allen, surprisingly, is the stand-out.

The worst performance of the film, even more so that the monsters, is Navi Rawat.  It’s just a total miscasting (for those of you who remember the show you know the casting director put her in the film over the objection of the director and the producers).  She’s a cute girl and I’m sure works fine in television, but is way over her head here.  She’s not tough enough or strong enough for what the role calls for.

A side note about casting, where is this town in the middle of nowhere where every woman (Rawat, Allen, Wade) is a model?  Who knew inbreds were so cute?  Who cares about monsters, I’m packed and ready to go!

Gulager’s film shows the strain of it’s struggled making and you can tell it was done by a first time director.  The low budget alloted to the film doesn’t allow the creatures to look very good, and the attempt to shoot all the action in shaky cam to hide the fact is a bust, and possibly give you motion sickness.

There’s some nice twists, some nice shots, some okay performances, but in the end the film still feels incomplete.  Horror flicks aren’t my thing so there may be those amongst you who will enjoy this film more than I did.  The biggest compliment I can give it is this – it is not a waste of time.  Sure, it’s a trainwreck (anyone who saw Project Greenlight knew it would be), but the style and most of the acting work and if the film had been given a bigger budget, some actually scary monsters, and didnt’ really so heavily on the shaky cam to hide the lack of footage (and money) then this film might have been able to overcome its shortcomings.  As it is, it’s passable, just not that enjoyable.

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That Laughter You Hear is a Bad Omen

Wow, I didn’t know this was going to be a comedy.  John Moore’s remake of the 1976 horror flick The Omen is laughably, hilariously, uproariously bad.  It’s so impossible to take seriously you’ll find yourself (when you aren’t bored to tears) giggling and chuckling your way through this unmitigated disaster. 

The Omen
1 Star

I believe that any movie that kills off Julia Stiles can’t be all bad but this one certainly tries its darnedest to prove me wrong.

I must first start off with describing the opening scene of the film where the Pope (Bohumil Svarc) is shown omens coming to pass that lead the church to believe the Anti-Christ is about to be born.  The PowerPoint presentation (your groan here) involves images of comets and other signs including real images of the attack on the World Trade Center and the effects of Hurricane Katrina (your disgust here).  To call this bad taste doesn’t do the words justice.

The story, for those of you who don’t rember the orginal, involves a young couple Robert Thorn (Liev Schreiber) and his wife Katherine (Julia Styles).  The child Katherine gives birth to dies but Robert is approached by a priest who offers to substitute another child in his place.  And so young Damien (Seamus Davey-Fitzpatrick) comes home with the Thorns who begin to rise in the world of politics and power immeadiately.

 

Then on Damien’s fifth birthday things go crazy and the Thorns start to slowly come to terms with the fact that their son just might be the devil.  At first Robert can’t accept the fears of his wife but is convinced by a lunatic priest (Peter Postlewaite) and a tabloid photographer (David Thewlis) who insist he kill his son.

The movie is filled with the aburd including Mia Farrow who plays the nanny from hell Mrs. Blaylock.  I can only assume she’s meant to be tempting and menacing but like all the other characters in the film she is neither.  In fact no character in this flick is anything but unintentionally funny and impossible to take seriously.

I’ll give you an example of how the film comes up short.  At one point the characters come to a river covered in fog and make the way across on a small boat with a single robed figure which is obviously a homage to Caron but its done so cheaply and half-heartedly it sinks, like so much in the film, like a lead stone.  The scene isn’t necessary and in fact makes you think of much better films you would rather be watching like Clash of the Titans.  It’s rather sad.

The film’s premise is so off the wall that only in the hands of a very good director it still would have been a hard sell, and director John Moore just isn’t up to the task.  And so the plot of an evil child that must be killed (in sacrificial manner) before he destroys the world comes off lewd and silly rather than suspenseful or terrifying.

How bad is The Omen?  Well if it weren’t for the many unintentional jokes and the death scene of Julia Stiles (which itself is drawn out to such an extent to squeeze out all the joy) it would be unwatchable.  However despite its limitations it remains a pretty funny example of how far cinema can go off track and crash in spectacular fashion.

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Scary Movie 4

Okay, I went to see the first Scary Movie back in 2000 and I laughed, groaned, and winced my way through.  In the end I had a fine time but didn’t feel the need to see the next two sequels.  In watching the fourth film of the “trilogy,” which hits theaters today, I experienced a very strong deja vu reaction.  The parts that work still work and the parts that don’t…. well, still don’t.  Even with it’s flaws, the film does have just enough to offer for me to recommend it.  What, you ask?  Well…

Scary Movie 4
3 Stars

This year’s edition plays on the same Airplane style type of comedy (enhanced with the addition of Leslie Neilsen in a supporting role) with the body fluid and homosexuality jokes scaled back though we do get the obligatory Brokeback Mountain parody.  The star of this series remains the set designer for the level of detail recaptured in the different spoofs; I just wish the acting and writing was as consistent.

The plot of the film is basically a thin structure that houses the various parodies of the film and loosely links them together.  The main story follows the plot lines of War of the Worlds, The Grudge, and Saw, spliced together with many other films such as The Village, Million Dollar Baby, and humorous and odd real life incidents like Tom Cruise‘s total meltdown on Oprah.

Anna Faris returns as Cindy Cambpell who takes a job as a nurse for an older woman (Cloirs Leachaman)  in a house haunted by the spirit a little boy (Garrett Masuda).  Next door to her lives Tom Ryan (Craig Bierko), a lifetime screwup whose ex-wife drops off his two kids (Conchita Campbell and (Beau Mirchoff) to stay with him.  Tom has just enough time to make his kids hate him more and start a relationship with Cindy before the aliens attack.  The evil tri-pods trap humans into small rooms forcing them play out sadistic games with life and death stakes.

Cindy learns that the secret to defeating the aliens means finding the father of the dead boy (Bill Pullman) and with her friend Brenda (Regina Hall) goes off to the 17th century village where he lives with his blind daughter (Carmen Electra).  Meanwhile Tom tries to take his kids to safety and encounters more aliens and a scary survivalist (Michael Madsen).  Also the President of the United States (Leslie Neilsen), who is more concerned with the outcome of a children’s book than fighting off the aliens, is called on to lead the counter-attack.

My main praise is the same I gave the first film.  The level of detail in creating the sets, costumes, and effects from the various films it parodies is the strongest aspect of the film.  Check out the cellar where Tom and his daughter hide, or the house that’s haunted by the spirit of the young boy, or the deftly recreated village.  Big kudos here for production designer Holger Gross, art director William Heslup, and costume designer Carol Ramsey.  Without their immense contributions the film would be easily forgettable and far less interesting to watch.

As for the writing and acting it’s rather hit and miss.  Anna Faris is fine in this type of role which she’s done in countless movies now and I hope she gets the chance to breakout into something a little more challenging soon.  Neilsen is a good edition and his inclusion actually raises the level of the film a notch or two.  The other actors were cast mainly for their looks and ability to mimic the mannerisms of the people they are parodying.  Bierko comes off best here with a pretty good Cruise impersonation and Garrett Masuda as the ghost child and Michael Madsen as the survivalist were some great casting calls.

I went into the film fully prepared to hate it, but the truth it’s so moronically funny it’s hard not to laugh and enjoy yourself at least a little.  Yeah it’s lowbrow and crude and for every joke that works there’s one that will make you groan, but enough do work to make it entertaining and watchable.  It does a good job in parodying the various films and poking fun at some of the problems with those films as well (especially The Village and War of the Worlds).  It is what it is and, though not for everyone, for what it is it’s not too bad.

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The Exorcism of Emily Rose

  • Title: The Exorcism of Emily Rose
  • IMDb: link

I am hard to please when it comes to horror movies.  I demand them to actually be creepy, scary and suspenseful which 98% of horror movies released these days sadly are not.  My curiosity was aroused from the plot blurb for The Exorcism of Emily Rose, and the actual experience I had viewing the movie was shocking.  Instead of relying on big budget special effects and buckets of blood as so many horror movies try today this film relies on suspense, character, plot, story, lighting, tone, and some of the simplest but most effective special effects I have ever seen in a horror film.  This film is gripping; I wasn’t able to take my eyes off the screen.  Nothing prepared me for what I was about to see.

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