The folks behind the Canadian mockumentary TV series jump to the big screen with a new plot to steal untraceable coins. Robb Wells, John Paul Tremblay, Mike Smith, Lucy Decoutere, Lydia Lawson-Baird, and Cory Bowles star. Check out the official site. The film breaks into limited release in select cities on Friday. Larger trailer available in the Full Diagnosis.
Trailer Park Boys: The Movie
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Jessica Alba goes where many (including Buffy‘s Sarah Michelle Gellar) have gone before. This American remake of the Pang Brothers 2002 horror film casts Alba as a young woman who discovers after an eye transplant an ability to see (wait for it) dead people! Alessandro Nivola and Parker Posey also star. Check out the official site. The film peers into theaters everywhere on Friday. Larger trailer available in the Full Diagnosis.
The Eye
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I thought the torture porn thing was dead (or maybe I just wished it was). I don’t know if Diane Lane was blackmailed into this or if she’s simply off her meds, but either way it’s obvious she needs help. What an Academy Award nominated actress is doing in this piece o’ shit is beyond me.
Untraceable
1 Star
I’m not a fan of torture porn which usually make as much sense to me as Nicole Richie‘s celebrity. These types of films throw logic and common sense out the window in favor of sadism, torture, violence and gore. A “good” one will make you uncomfortable and raise issues such as morality and social norms. A bad one will bore you to no end, cause you to wonder if it was written by mentally retarded insane people with low IQ’s, and make you feel sorry for everyone involved. Untraceable is the latter.
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Jennifer Marsh (Diane Lane) is the head of an FBI task force focused on cyber crime. When a serial killer (Joseph Cross) creates a website that allows users to kill his victims based on page hits, Jenny and her gang go to work to catch him.
This film is riddled with so many issues it’s hard to decide where to begin. I don’t know if they used the same technological consultant as Firewall (read that review) but considering it’s back-assward logic and lack of technical understanding it seems likely.
Our killer, with no real training, is the world’s most unstoppable computer hacker who creates Internet sites which can’t be traced or shut down, designs elaborate traps and torture devices that are activated and affected by users around the country (but doesn’t allow foreign access), and hacks into cell phones, the FBI, and OnStar. And he can do this because?
This movie actually makes Firewall look plausible.
Those familiar with the genre of torture porn will get what you expect. Victims are trapped in overly-elaborate traps and we get to watch them die painful deaths. Joy. Sadly though it’s the audience who gets tortured. The story makes no sense, nor does the investigation which makes Nostradamus-like leaps in logic and plot to try and corral this wildly implausible tale. And even if you can ignore all the bad dialogue, script problems, and lame torture scenes, the film still fails to entertain in even the smallest possible way.
Lane gives a nice performance, as do Colin Hanks and Billy Burke as part of her team, but that’s far from enough to save this catastrophe from itself. You will groan, you will laugh (at the constant stupidity), and you will feel real pain (at having to watch), but you won’t be entertained, frightened, or amused. And if I haven’t steered you away from this witless wonder, and you are still curious, just wait six to eight months and pull it out of the bargain DVD bin (where it truly belongs).
Michael Clayton (George Clooney) is a lawyer, though not in the traditional public perception of the term. Michael doesn’t practice law, he doesn’t show up in court, and he doesn’t work on legal documents behind the scenes. Michael is the firm’s “fixer” who comes in to solve problems. Some refer to him as a miracle worker but in his own words he’s a bag man, a janitor who is called in to clean up the mess. And he’s the best at what he does.
The firm’s latest problem involves its senior litigating partner Arthur Edens (Tom Wilkinson), a manic depressive off his medication who seems to have lost his mind. After Arthur undresses in a deposition and proclaims his love to the plaintiff (Merrit Weaver) in a three-billion dollar case which in which he is defending U-North, a company who is merging with his law firm, Michael is sent to straighten his friend out. But the more time he spends on the case the more questions are raised about the cause of his friend’s behavior and the validity of the plaintiff’s claims.
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After returning from his mission in Rambo: First Blood Part II and earning his freedom, Rambo is once again pulled back into the fray when his friend and mentor is captured and held hostage in Afghanistan. He needs to be rescued, and there’s only one man for the job. Rambo’s back, and he’s brought along a pointed political message to go with the large number of Communist baddies he’s going to kill.
Rambo (Sylvester Stallone) leaves his life of stick fighting and tinkering in a monastery (huh?) to save his friend and former commander Col. Trautman (Richard Crenna) who was captured while delivering weapons to rebels in Afghanistan. Now held by a sadistic Soviet commander (Marc de Jonge), his only hope is rescue, and there’s only one man up to the job. Cue the music.
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