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Released on DVD May 10He failed with bringing Sega videogame House of the Dead to the big screen, but hopefully director Uwe Boll finished his career with Alone in the Dark, yet another video game adaptation. This film is scary only on the bases that the studio thinks you should pay to see this horribly stupid catastrophy. What’s scarier yet is that I did pay to see it in the theater and now I am suffering through the DVD version; what I will sacrifice for our public. If this gives you any idea what you are in for, the film’s perspective is shared by the special effects coordinator John Sleep, who was responsible for the special effects on House of the Dead, Scary Movie 3 and Catwoman. I must say that those were pretty stellar films, NOT.

Alone in the Dark
Negative Stars

I must warn you that besides Uwe Boll and John Sleep with their proven bad taste, the film shares a crew with House of the Dead including producers, cinematographer, production designer, and art director; oh yes, you are in for a true treat here.

Any film that adds a pair of dark rimmed glasses to Tara Reid and assumes instant intelligent anthropologist, has serious issues. Tara Reid has one talent and one talent only, she looks hot to guys and drives women absolutely crazy. However, there is a couple of small perks to experiencing this close to crap film phenomenon and that is both Stephen Dorff and Christian Slater, not the best actors in the world, but certainly not bad to look at. Hey, they even figured out how to fit a sex scene in, Stephen and Christian were really hot in it, gotcha, the scene was between Tara and Christian. Yes, it was a little weird fitting in a love scene amongst monsters splattering humans in half and bullets blazing in the dark, but it was a necessary weakness.

That’s right I said it: bullets blazing. It was quite funny to see these weird demons of hell show up and not even 15 minutes later the Special Ops team, 7-13, would come crashing through the windows, heavy metal cued and fiery blazes of bullets sneaking past everybody only to hit the creatures. I am surprised that everybody didn’t get flattened by the stream of random ammo fire. Everything about this film failed, the premise, the acting, the style, all of it failed so bad that I must refer to the studios brief synopsis to explain the horror of yet another failed video game film.

You wake up in the middle of the night with the feeling someone is in the room with you. You get a flash of panic as you fumble for your bedside lamp. But when you turn on the light, no one is there.

“You wake up in the middle of the night with the feeling someone is in the room with you. You get a flash of panic as you fumble for your bedside lamp. But when you turn on the light, no one is there.”

“You might feel safe…but just because you can’t see something doesn’t mean it’s not there. Watching. Waiting. Existing at the fragile boundaries of our perception. There is a world around us, a world most of us never see – or never want to see.”

“As a child, Edward Carnby was given irrefutable proof of that world. He hasn’t slept well since. Now, twenty years later, Edward is a paranormal investigator. When the irrational and the inexplicable become undeniable, he is there. He is not out to change your mind. But he may be the only one who can save your life.”

“Now, the greatest mystery of Edward’s past is about to become the most dangerous case he has ever faced. Nineteen people have disappeared, and they have only one thing in common – each one grew up in the same orphanage as Edward. Looking for answers, Edward learns that an ancient artifact of considerable power has been discovered in a long-lost shipwreck. Amidst mounting danger, he turns to Aline Cedrac, a brilliant anthropologist who’s also his ex-flame – and the only person he really trusts.”

“In a world of ancient evils, lost civilizations, shadowy government conspiracies, and deadly paranormal threats, Edward and Aline come together to confront a supernatural enemy unlike anything they’ve ever seen before…one whose very existence could threaten all of humankind.—© Lions Gate Films”

Wow, the studio was able to make it sound like a whole different film, I would love to see the one they just described above. I will give the film a fitting bonus to a different style of ending, it surely wasn’t expected. Oh, wait a moment, that same exact ending was on Resident Evil, sorry I tried to add something forgiving to this, but I couldn’t.

To sum this up, unless you are completely infatuated with really bad horror movies, a few low B-listed hot movie stars or enjoy DVDs just for the extras, DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME!

Spanish film maker Pedro Almodóvar (Bad Education and Talk To Her) softens his touch, bringing out some ugly realities to disappointment in life and love.

The Flower of My Secret
1 & 1/2 Stars

Released on DVD Spring 2005

Spanish film maker Pedro Almodóvar (Bad Education and Talk To Her) softens his touch, bringing out some ugly realities to disappointment in life and love.

Spanish film maker Pedro Almodóvar, known for such films as Talk to Her, Bad Education, and Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down!, brings us a more down to earth story about a woman hitting a mid-life crisis, with all the bells and whistles. She gets to experience all the great shit that life likes to throw at you right at the point it is least invited.

A romance novelists, Amanda Gris is her secret identity, Leo Macias (Marisa Paredes) true name, is finding out that her life is ending up less and less like her romance novels and more like some form of nightmare. Leo finds out that her U.N. husband is no longer in love with her and has been sleeping with her best friend for years. He very seldom came home because his job required a great deal of travel and when he did come home he blamed Leo of being to sensitive and touchy about things. He would never call her, even if she had called and left plenty of messages. When she did get ahold of him he was short and impatient with her. This treatment only steamed and motivated Leo into great depths of depression and writing. She began writing the exact opposite of her romance novels and started writing about death and mystery. When she finished her first novel in it’s new form and presented it to her publisher he turned it down for content, he reminded her that she was under contract to write fluffy trashy romance novels. This request gave Leo a great deal of difficulty because the last thing she was feeling was love and romance.

Her best friend had suggested that she go and visit with a newspaper editor, Angel (Juan Echanove), so she could find a different outlet for her depression and her writing abilities. When meeting with Angel, Leo had seen an Amanda Gris book on his desk and asked who was the fan. He had replied that he was a huge fan of Amanda’s work and has a pro column on her novels. Leo had shown much disappointment and disgust towards her book, she had wanted to think about other types of writing not writing a column on how great her hidden personality is. Angel had suggested that maybe she writes a column disputing his on Amanda Gris’ novels and her ability to write; Leo, deciding that wasn’t the best thing for her, leaves Angel wishing he had not suggested it in the first place. Later on down the line Angel called her and said that her writing was so brilliant that she most certainly publish the book she had provided to him for samples and he was to help her. With a renewed since of confidence she tells her publisher to F-off and goes home ready to give it one last try with her husband.

When her husband shows up she finds out all about the cheating and the deception and in a fit of depression she makes an effort to overdose. A call from her mother saying she was going back to the village and nobody truly cared set a fire under her and she made herself throw up and get out of the apartment. Even though Leo got out of the apartment she headed straight for a bar, not a good idea. Leaving the bar in a ray of despair she runs into Angel, who takes her to her mom and drives them to the old village. There Leo is nurtured back to health and accidentally shared with Angel who she truly is, Amanda Gris. Angel had been smitten with her before, but now he can’t help himself. Knowing that her husband is out of the picture and Leo could use a shoulder to cry on, Angel puts himself right there by her side and shows Leo that life isn’t over yet.

Leo picks herself up and gets her mystery published and finds just the right pair of boots to fit her in the end.

Not a typical edgy charactered film for Pedro Almodóvar and a little slow, but certainly a great story. Most women can relate to what Leo was going through, if not in all areas then some. I get what it’s like to be disappointed in what seems so comfortable and finding it hard to leave what you know, but taking the risk and making that leap of faith is all part of life. Everyday somebody is getting the shit end of the deal, it’s how you deal with it that makes you who you are.

I didn’t pick this up at it’s initial release, having seen it in the theaters, but I’m glad I’ve got the Deluxe Edition now. It’s a simply fascinating look at the origins of skateboarding, as well as being just a top-notch documentary. Even non-fans of the sport should find something worthwhile to find in Dogtown.

Dogtown & Z-Boys: Deluxe Edition
4 Stars

In 2001 it was easy to take skateboarding for granted. Tony Hawk Pro Skater was one of the most successful video games of it’s time, the X games were a bar & grille tv staple, and most people didn’t give a second to thought to considering skateboarding a ‘sport’. So long-time skateboard icon Stacy Peralta’s incredible documentary Dogtown & Z-Boys detailing the birth of modern skateboarding takes us back a time when skating was a long-abandoned fad just waiting to be revitalized by a group of incredibly gifted surfers and skaters from wrong side of Santa Monica, serves as a powerful reminder of just how far skateboarding has come.

Far from being the multi-million dollar industry it is today, skateboarding was the realm of only the most die-hard enthusiasts, whose style was heavily influenced by the popular surfers of the day. When surfboard maker Jeff Ho, artist Craig Stecyk, and surfer Skip Engblom got together to form a surf shop, and in the process taking in the neighborhood kids, their anti-mainstream attitude and street tough style opened the horizon of what skating could be. Future superstars Tony Alva and Stacy Peralta were just two of the incredibly gifted kids just out to kill time between waves, and their accomplishments make for one hell of a documentary.

The birth of pool skating? That was them. The first verts? Ditto. The Zephyr skate team redefined what could be done on 4 wheels, some trucks, and a hunk of wood. Dogtown & Z-Boys tells their story by interviewing the members and founders of the Zephyr team, as well as those who were there to document their growth. Dirt poor beginnings, hard scrabble times, the first big tournament, fame, fortune, and downfall are all here. Director Peralta made his name on the pavement and behind the camera (for the infamous Bones Brigade videos), so rather than an outsider coming in to document history it’s the story being told by those who lived it with the easy comraderie that can only be forged by a group who has been through it all together. Former surf-rat Sean Penn lends his voice for the narration, and such punk culture notables as Henry Rollins and Ian McKaye, as well as skate icons Tony Hawk and Steve Caballero, lend their thoughts on the influence and impact of those sun-bleached stars of Dogtown.

I didn’t pick this up at it’s initial release, having seen it in the theaters, but I’m glad I’ve got the Deluxe Edition now. It’s a simply fascinating look at the origins of skateboarding, as well as being just a top-notch documentary. Even non-fans of the sport should find something worthwhile to find in Dogtown.

Showdowns, stampedes, stunning horsemanship, bank robbing, slap-stick comedy, fist fights and plenty of cheesy dialogue like “Whippersnapper” and “Golly Gee”  is all part of the experience of the 40’s, 50’s and 60’s style spaghetti westerns.

Some of this oldtime western collection is in black and white goodness that will take you back to the good old days of cap guns and no blood gut shots; the good guys always win and get the girl in the end. A few of the films are in glorious 60’s technicolor and captures a few great cinematic moments in western film history.

Westerns in the Good Old Days
1 Star

(Giddy Up!)

Showdowns, stampedes, stunning horsemanship, bank robbing, slap-stick comedy, fist fights and plenty of cheesy dialogue like “Whippersnapper” and “Golly Gee”  is all part of the experience of the 40’s, 50’s and 60’s style spaghetti westerns.

Some of this oldtime western collection is in black and white goodness that will take you back to the good old days of cap guns and no blood gut shots; the good guys always win and get the girl in the end. A few of the films are in glorious 60’s technicolor and captures a few great cinematic moments in western film history.

Bonanza Town (1951)
Atop his trusty white steed, The Durango Kid (Charles Starrett) saddles up once again to save the day. A silly slap stick sing along western about a $30,000 Dodge City hold up and murderous vigilantes of Bonanza Town. The Durango Kid and his silly side kick, Smiley Burnette, work together to rid Bonanza Town of the evildoers, Henry Hardison (Fred F. Sears) and Krag Boseman (Myron Healey). Charles Starrett was among the top ten western stars until his retirement in 1952.

Texas (1941)
Dan Thomas (William Holden) and Tod Ramsey (Glenn Ford) are two adventurous friends looking for fortune and glory, but their little trip in the Lone Star state goes awry. Witnessing a stagecoach hold up, the rough and tumble drifters decide to take the loot for themselves and head their separate ways. Crossing each others path on down the line, the two friends find themselves in love with the same woman and on opposite sides of the law. Snappy dialogue and bare knuckle boxing gives the right amount of old time western goodness to Texas.

The Texican (1966)
A story about a reformed gunfighter, Jess Carlin (Audie Murphy), coming out of hiding to bring justice to the villain who killed his brother, Roy (Victor Vilanova). Jess sets out to capture Luke Starr (Broderick Crawford), land baron and the man to blame for his brother’s untimely death. Jess must side step the attempts on his life by Luke’s goons and keep his neck from the noose from a bounty on his head for a murder he did not commit. Along the way he falls in love with a beautiful dance hall girl Kit O’Neal (Diana Lorys) and saves the day in the end.

The Desperadoes (1943)
The Desperadoes has it all, wild horse stampedes, barroom brawls, action, romance, and yes, it’s even in color; it’s Columbia’s first Technicolor film. The Desperadoes is, at the very most, a film engrossed in western movie cliches and icons. Cheyenne Rogers (Glenn Ford), a hunted gunman, rides into Red Valley, to find himself head over hills for the seductive Allison McLeod (Evelyn Keyes) and up to his holsters with underhanded town folk. Cheyenne takes on the job of cleaning up the lawlessness of Red Valley.

Good Day For A Hanging (1959)
Eddie ‘The Kid’ Campbell (Robert Vaughn) started out as a young rowdy buck in a low down dirty bank robbing gang. With a little help from Marshal Ben Cutler (Fred MacMurray), Eddie cleans up his act and tries the straight and narrow. Many years later the gang comes back to rob the bank again and Marshal Ben gets shot in the mix. The gang’s lawyer, being the only eye witness, frames Eddie for the murder and gets him a meeting with the noose. With the help of his sweetheart, the dead marshal’s daughter, Laurie Cutler (Joan Blackman), Eddie convinces the town of his innocence and brings the murderer to justice.

The Professionals (1966)
The Professionals is an adaptation from Frank O’Rourke’s novel, [I]A Mule for the Marquesa[/I]. J.W. Grant (Ralph Bellamy), Texas oil tycoon, hires a group of men to rescue his wife, Maria (Claudia Cardinale) from the Mexican revolutionary Raza (Jack Palance). The group of men hired includes Rico Farden (Lee Marvin) a weapons expert, Jake Sharp (Woody Strode) long bow expert and tracker, Hans Ehrengard (Robert Ryan) kick ass horseman and Bill Dolworth (Burt Lancaster) an explosives expert. The Professionals was nominated for 3 Oscars between cinematography, direction and screenplay. This film has it all, beautiful cinematic scenery, a talented cast, western action adventure and plenty of heroes out to save the day and the girl.

Oldtime western goodness. Most, if not all, of the westerns made in the 40’s and 50’s were lacking authenticity. The creators would use modern props, clothing and dialogue with out any consideration to the true style of the old west. There would be electrical lighting and gadgets, well pressed pants and sparkling new boots in a black and white western; it’s hard to watch such a film and really be able to put yourself into that fantasy world. We have come along way in film and it shows; research is put into scripts and stage setting and our acting abilities have more than tripled. Many old western actors are just that, only actors reading dialogue with little natural response to each other. It’s hard to believe that the silent films looked more real in on screen scenarios with out dialogue than the films that came shortly after. Then again it is only the movies.